Germany. Top of the Pops. English girls backstage tells Kelly she'll be fine. Kelly is dressed up. She tells us Ozzy did the show thirty-one years ago. We see a clip of Ozzy performing. Wow. The show starts. They're cueing the "track." A flashpot goes off as the band pretends to play. Kelly swears, but then makes it on stage and begins lip-syncing like a pro.

Meanwhile…Malibu. Sharon and the dogs are out on the log. (But which side of the log?) Sharon asks Ozzy where he got the rocks. Hee. He then asks if they have their fishing poles at the house. They do. Ozzy asks if they have cheese, and then gets up. Sharon is asking what the hell he's doing.

Inside, Ozzy gets some cheese, and tells us that he's going to put the cheese on the hook. "Fish like cheese," he says, adding "…sometimes. Some fish like cheese." Yes! Best quote of the show, right there. Some random helper lady helps him with the cheese, and he jokes that he's going to catch a cold.

Now Ozzy stands in the waves, fishing. God. Someone hold him up. Oh, and there's his friend, grabbing him when waves come. Hee. Ozzy yells at the ocean, and then falls over. Sharon cackles.

Next time…Sharon tells us that Kelly has a boyfriend. It's Bert, a singer from some band. The whole family is making a fuss, waiting to meet him. Jack tells Kelly what Bert's nickname in his band is. But it's all swear words, because we just hear beeps. Hee. Sharon says that if she were Bert, she'd come meet the parents. Ozzy waves from behind a waterfall in the pool. Sharon then tells us she doesn't think Kelly is coming home tonight. Ozzy mumbles that Sharon shouldn't worry about Kelly with this boy. Jack and Kelly run screaming at each other, and Ozzy yells, "This will end in tears." Then Sharon tells Kelly that she can "get it from kissing him." "For fuck's sake, Mom!" says Kelly. And that's it! See ya next week, when hopefully MTV will get their bleeping captioning working. If any show needs it, this is the one. Seriously, people.