The Osbournes
The Ozz Man And The Sea

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Ozzy sits in his Malibu home, I'm guessing, having dinner with one-armed Jack, his Bitch Boy, and some other men. Ozzy seems drunk, as he's raving about how he was born on land and thus doesn't like the ocean. He points to one of the guys, saying that he went diving with "sixty-foot" sharks in a steel cage, and that if he were to do it, the cage would have to be titanium. Everyone is laughing their asses off. Jack looks pissed. Maybe he's making fun of Jack jumping off the pier. Damn MTV isn't captioning this one, which makes everything very difficult. Ozzy's last sentence, after laughing about having a little peephole in his cage, sounds like, "The jackalope was a cock!" (Here come the hundred emails telling me what he actually said. No, seriously, if you think you know and you didn't just watch a later rerun that had the captioning on it, email me. See how smart you are, you cock jackalope.) Opening credits.

The episode title is "The Ozz Man and the Sea," which is a Hemingway reference that I'm guessing eighty-four percent of MTV's target demo won't even get. Sharon sits with someone, who seems like it may be her sister, eating in the Beach House. Sharon tells MaybeSister that Kelly is going to England to do a bunch of interviews. Also, she's going to be on Top of the Pops, which I think is the kind of thing we would have if America hadn't eventually woken up and cancelled Solid Gold. The English don't have those sort of rules about pesky stuff like good taste or anything. Come to think of it, we still have Soul Train, so we can't really talk. Oh, then there's Kelly, talking about Top of the Pops, and while we get shots of the show, she explains that the song on the show are listed by single, not by album, and they do the top ten singles each week, which therefore makes it exactly like Solid Gold, minus Marilyn McCoo. Kelly marvels that she's watched that show every week since she was, like, two. Suddenly she scrunches up her nose, and we see one of the tiny dogs taking a massive shit on a piece of linoleum in the corner. "Oh my God," she says, depressed. (Kelly, not the dog. I think the dog is actually feeling pretty good right about now.)

Ralphs. Ozzy and a Big Bald Friend put tons of cords of wood into a shopping cart. They're going to put them in the car, but Ozzy and the clerk have a misunderstanding and he thinks she doesn't trust him to come back and pay, so he leaves a black bag with his "lyrics" inside with her. Hee. His lyrics. He should really leave the teleprompter I'm sure he has to use for every show. It's really weird to see Ozzy out in the real world. He looks good -- aside from the shaking and shuffling and almost falling down. Ralph's guy has to load the wood into the car as a shopper yells, "Ozzy, you rock." "Thank you," Ozzy mumbles to the air.

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The Osbournes

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