The Osbournes
The Ozz Man And The Sea

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Light My Fire

House. Night. Sharon cries as Kelly, clutching her pillow, gets ready to leave. Sharon says she hates this week because everyone is leaving.

Malibu. Street. Ozzy and BBF shuffle slowly across the eight lanes of traffic to get to a fire station. Ozzy is so law-abiding; it's very cute. People in a car yell at Ozzy. He waves back, and then almost falls down. Really, some day someone is going to get Ozzy Stephen King-ed by yelling to him when he's walking along the road. His balance ain't so good, people. Whoever does finally run Ozzy over: know that you will be hunted down and killed by the rest of America. Just know that.

Ozzy goes to a fireman and, by only saying three actual words and a string of mumbles, somehow conveys that he has a house on the beach and wants to know if he's allowed to build a fire. The fireman says he can dig a pit, but then, obviously trying to prolong his time on-camera, babbles about it not being a public recreation area so he's not sure. He then invites Ozzy to come into the firehouse to make sure what the code is. More firemen come out, and First Fireman explains that Ozzy wants to build the fire for Sharon, to get his wife out of the house. Aw, that's very sweet, but also, how the hell did Ozzy manage to convey all that to the fireman? BBF must have done it. Ozzy says that a fireman can come supervise it. He tries to make a joke, but just peters out in nervousness, when he says, "I don't want to set fire to the…" The fireman rescues him, saying that Ozzy needs to build a pit in the sand and they can send someone over to show him.

Now inside, the Head Fireman, filling out the form, says they'll need Ozzy's address. Ozzy turns to the camera and asks, "Where do I live?" One fireman laughs. So do I.

Okay, so now Sharon talks to Jack's Helper, a big bushy dude. Jack is going to North Carolina to do a spot on Dawson's Creek. That's so funny on so many levels, I'm not sure where to begin. Sharon sits the guy down and tells him that Jack needs to learn his script. (I guess Sharon will be taking fifteen percent of Jack's Creek money, like she takes fifteen percent of everything else the family earns.) Jack's Helper says that he only has five lines, and Sharon goes on that he needs to have those five lines down, and the dude mumbles that it'll be easy because it's only cursing. Sharon looks stunned as the dude says his first line is, "Do you know where I can get some drugs?" Sharon looks aghast and says that was going to be her second thing -- Sharon tells him to make sure Jack doesn't do any pot or drink, and that he is to go everywhere with Jack and physically take drinks out of his hand. Man, how odd is it that Sharon needs to hire a guy to make sure her son doesn't misbehave. What a life that kid has. It's almost as if…no…well, it's almost as if she has to hire friends for Jack, but that couldn't be. Sharon goes on that Jack has to be kind to everyone and thank them, and that if he gets "lippy," Jack's Helper should smack him. I guess Melinda is now Kelly's Bad Nanny and this dude is Jack's. (Big shock that Jack would prefer an older Boy Nanny. I imagine the surfers weren't available.) Jack comes in and says bye to Mom. Sharon doesn't want him to leave -- she doesn't like everyone leaving. She makes him promise to be a good boy, and then she kisses his hand and tells him to get out of there. "You just have some fun, and when you've had enough fun, come home," she says. Wow, words that I'm sure she's said to Ozzy thousand of times over the years. (Ladies, if you ever have wondered what's the one sentence your men want to hear you say. That's it. Well, that or "I brought home a girl for us." Either one.)

Airport. Kelly and Bad Nanny. Kelly stops at the clubhouse in the airport for rich people. I recently went into one of those for the first time. Man, I'm telling you. There's a whole fucking world the rest of us poor saps know nothing about. Now and forever, when I'm slumped on the floor in the airport waiting with people tripping over my bags, trying to sip a nine-dollar cup of coffee while I wait for my delayed flight, I'm going to think of those people chilling in that clubhouse, and I'm going to curse my empty wallet. (In other words: it's pretty fucking cool in there.) Anyway, Kelly explains that she's stopping first in Germany to do some interviews. Kelly bitches that she's packed too much. The plane leaves.

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The Osbournes

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