The Osbournes
The Ozz Man And The Sea

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Light My Fire

Beach. Ozzy shows the fireman the back deck, and he says the fire just has to be twenty-five feet from the house, which is about at "that log." Ozzy asks which side of the log. The fireman says, just around it. "This side of the log?" says Ozzy again. The fireman says yes, that'll be fine. He tells Ozzy to wait until the tide is out, of course, but Ozzy just asks which side of the log again, not listening. (I think they just edited that extra one in because his back was turned, but it's still funny.) Ozzy needs to clarify once more, so he asks, "So we build a hole this side of the log?" The fireman, as if talking to a child, says that a hole would be good. He asks if Ozzy has firewood. Hee. Ozzy then takes him inside and, with some effort, pulls out a Duraflame log to make sure that's okay to start the fire with. The fireman now just wants to leave. The fireman does leave, and Ozzy walks right over and starts drinking a chocolate energy drink. Hee.

Plane. It lands with some trouble. All alone in first class, Kelly, Bad Nanny, and Kelly's friend laugh their asses off -- Kelly says that she's afraid of flying. No, I'm sure she's just afraid of flying commercial, since she never has to. Now the girls stand at the empty baggage carousel. "This is the worst feeling ever," says the friend, as no more bags are coming around. Kelly bitches to us, "My fucking bag is lost. I want my fucking bag." And commercials.

Sitting in a hotel room, Kelly, wearing more lipstick than the entire Bunny Ranch, bitches to us that she'll never get her bag back and she has thousands of dollars worth of clothes in that bag -- all of the most expensive stuff in her wardrobe. And just when we're feeling sorry for her, Melinda chimes in -- and Kelly explains -- that Kelly had a gun-sized pin shaped just like a gun in the bag, and they searched, and that's probably why the bag is now missing. Wow. That's pretty stupid. Ozzy would be so pissed. We see a shot of Kelly being pulled into a back room as they babble about the gun and how it looked like a real gun in the machine. Hee. Kelly is really mystified that this could have happened to her. Kelly says she'll have to wash her knickers every night now. (Or she could take her millions of dollars and go buy some new ones.) Bad Nanny asks why Kelly doesn't borrow her knickers. Kelly looks like she's going to gag. Bad Nanny is offended. Hee.

Lake. Small boat. Ah, it's the set of Dawson's Creek! North Carolina. Beautiful. Jack goes to wardrobe, trying on weird t-shirt after weird t-shirt. He is rude to the wardrobe lady, saying he doesn't care which shirt she picks. The costume lady hats herself.

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The Osbournes

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