The Osbournes
The Ozz Man And The Sea

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Light My Fire

Beach. Twilight. Ozzy shows the camera their first failed attempt to build a fire pit, which looks like it's been rolled over by the ocean. Now their second attempt. Ozzy digs, but the water comes in. "Fuck off! Fuck off!" he yells to two-thirds of the planet. Two-thirds of the planet doesn't listen. "Stop. Fucking…go to Alaska or…no no no no. You fucking asshole ocean! No!" Hee. Ozzy says he feels like a construction worker, as we see him dig a puny shovelful of sand. Well, the only difference is that a real construction worker would have managed to actually move more than a handful of sand, but sure. Whatever. Ozzy then gets something into his head about piling rocks along the fire, so he goes to get one and then has to yell at the ocean again. He almost falls down, but stays up and manages to bring a rock over to the fire. "One rock will stop the tides from coming in," as the old Birmingham saying goes. Ozzy blows his nose in his shirt and then yells at the water some more. Sounds like a full night for Ozzy.

Germany. Kelly is on her iBook in her hotel room, talking to Jack on the phone some shit about why would she drink Heineken in Germany. She talks about having to wash all her underwear before going to bed (seriously, they have stores in Germany, I'm almost positive). Kelly asks if Jack has a cold, and then says it sounds like he has a dick in his mouth. Heeeeeee. She then brags about being on the show, obviously very proud and very much caring what her brother thinks of her. Jack promptly hangs up on her.

German girls in the street. In German, they say that they've met Ozzy and now they want to meet Kelly, who is "cool." One dorky guy hides behind the girls, watching. German girls are crazy-looking. One looks like Rachel Dratch. Two others look like veteran hookers. Now we get a montage of Kelly walking, being photographed, being interviewed, et cetera. Then in some room, Kelly's friend says they're having a "Beatles moment." Kelly bitches that it's just the same four people following them all day.

German radio show. The DJ speaks a shitload of German and then, like, a couple words in English. Kelly looks confused. In another shot, she says she doesn't know any German at all. Bad Nanny looks on, her huge belly hanging over her pants. (I wouldn't have borrowed her underwear either.) "That's amazing, I always don't know what to say," says Kelly, after the DJ spouts a bunch of German phrases.

Beach. Ozzy asks his friend if the fire is too big. The friend, who has a giant pee stain on his pants, says no. "It fucking will be in about ten minutes," says Ozzy. He goes into the house for more wood and singing about being "Log Man." He throws wood down from the balcony. (Ozzy loves throwing wood, huh?) "I like warming my butt by the fire," says Ozzy, mooning the fire. I wonder if he got a permit for that? Commercials.

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The Osbournes

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