Sharon calls her Plan C: her son. Jack's at home, not doing anything but working on his transformation into Harry Knowles, trying to master juggling with one ball. Sharon asks him to come on her show. Jack says no and hangs up. Asshole! The Sharon Osbourne Show puts Oxycontin on your table!

Ozzy talks about the amount of construction that goes on at the house. We get to see some of it in time-lapse footage. Ozzy babbles that the crew will go away, only to come back and do more major work on the house. And...scene! Such hijinks and hilarity! This show hasn't lost a step!

A big gold statue is revealed. Workers debate how to get the thousand-pound statue into the house. They decide they'll need fourteen people to carry the thing, which will lighten the load to "less than a thousand pounds per person." And...scene again! Osbournes, you're awesome!

Sharon comes home from a hard day at the office. She tells Ozzy that she wouldn't do anything they asked her to do and instead covered herself from forehead to toe in panty liners. She says they made a complaint against her today. Ozzy asks what a panty liner is. I will need worker's compensation for the following moment, when Sharon pats her vagina lovingly and says, "What you put in...when you have a period." Fuck another dog, this family needs a house gyno to explain All Things Vagina. Ozzy notes that his wife covered in feminine protection might get a few more people watching. Sharon says the man told her she has to make this show her main priority and then it'll be better. Ozzy doesn't understand. I have a feeling I'll be typing those three words more often this year. Kelly tells her not to do a third season then, and just quit. There's an idea! Sharon says she is going to quit. "Before I get fired!" She says she's pretty sure she's going to get fired. A dog barks, and Ozzy tells it to shut up. Sharon uses that segue to tell her husband she needs him to come and do the show as a guest. Ozzy says it's not his "gig" and then immediately changes the subject by yelling at a dog who bit his ass.