What are we all still doing here?
Oz and Sharon are in bed. Ozzy says Sharon has to buy another dog because they currently have thirteen and he "hates thirteen." After nine, how do you even know how many dogs you have, anyway? Sharon argues that they don't have thirteen and then counts them off, wacky montage fashion. It's only twelve. But Ozzy's using the metric system, so he thinks it's thirteen. Sharon realizes she probably skipped one. Ozzy says he needs to buy a gun. Shooting is his hobby. "So you can buy the dogs and then I'll shoot them." Crazy! Hey, but that's how it goes.
Ozzy climbs his staircase, counting off dead dogs. He points to each black and white photograph and announces, "Dead!" From somewhere in the house Sharon screams for Ozzy to shut up, as one of the dogs he declared dead apparently isn't. "The coyotes ate them all!" Ozzy says.
Sharon's in bed, doing her favorite thing: watching herself on television. She's watching herself in bed with Alec Baldwin (who, in his smoking jacket, can easily be mistaken for George Hamilton) and...who is that other girl? It doesn't matter. Sharon buries her face in her hands and then wails out to Ozzy: "Oh, Daddy!" She complains that she just got a letter informing her that she has to work harder on the show. Just getting out of bed might be working harder, Sharon. Ozzy sits on the edge of the bed to hear more details. Sharon goes from whining to cackling as she explains that the "guy" who runs everything told her she has to make her show better because people are tuning in and then tuning out. Or in the case of most people I know, never bothering to confirm that Sharon Osbourne has a talk show. Ozzy asks what more could she do. Sharon has no idea. She thinks she might have to get out her "old tits." If you have thirteen dogs, do you really need stuffed animals of dogs on tables? Sharon does. Ozzy busts into the old-guy shuffle, miming insane tap-dancing, asking if that's what they want from Sharon. That's what I want from this season of The Osbournes, that's for sure. Ozzy busts into the moonwalk. Maybe you could fall over in a chair, Sharon. That worked for Ozzy for the first season.
KTLA in Los Angeles. The tower on Sunset. Kelly, in full dominatrix gear, is talking with Sharon as she gets dressed. Kelly says something that makes me finally break down and turn on the closed captioning, because after four tries I still don't know what she says: "Please be on my show and come talk with me and Marilyn Manson." Sharon says that's exactly what she wanted to ask her daughter. "I hate you," Kelly says. She tells her mother she'll think about it. She prances around in her princess tutu while Sharon moves her chemo machine to get on her knees and beg her daughter to help her out, as she's been the manager for the rest of the family their entire lives. Kelly tells her mother to get away and runs to the closet. Sharon follows, on her knees. I guess they're not at KTLA at all. Kelly says it stinks in the closet. Sharon says she thinks Ozzy might have "dropped one" in there. Ozzy shits in his closet? Someone might want to add another medication to his list to prevent that one. Kelly says it's cheesy if she comes on her mother's show all the time. Sharon insists that it's not all the time and that this would be the last time. Kelly says she'll hold Sharon to that. Sharon promises. Kelly whines that she doesn't want to host the show with Sharon, and that she doesn't have enough time in her busy day of pouting to do something as stupid as that. Kelly screams that she doesn't want to host her mother's show. Sharon screams that it's an hour. Kelly screams back, "That's why it's the Sharon Osbourne Show!" Those two lines are then repeated five times.
Sharon calls her Plan C: her son. Jack's at home, not doing anything but working on his transformation into Harry Knowles, trying to master juggling with one ball. Sharon asks him to come on her show. Jack says no and hangs up. Asshole! The Sharon Osbourne Show puts Oxycontin on your table!