I gotta tell you, people. I'm a little out of sorts here. I've never actually recapped a truly good show. Sure, Temptation Island has its own degree of simple, whorish brilliance and Road Rules has its moments, though very few and very far between, but generally, the stuff I get to recap is total crap. And now along comes this show, The Osbournes. Someone at MTV deserves a prize. I mean, sure, who knows how long it'll last, and sure, some might feel bad for Ozzy because Sharon, his wife and manager, probably forced him to do this, but whatever the reasons and for however long we have it, I love it. Because it rules. And that's the truth.
Quickly, about Sharon. I'm sure there are millions of good Sharon Osbourne stories because she is notoriously, well, crazy and mean and harsh. But my favorite is her press release after quitting her short stint as the Smashing Pumpkins' manager. In the statement, she said something like she could no longer work with Billy Corgan because he's mentally ill. But they're both such famously nutty egos that having the two working together must have been fucking crazy. It must have been like the day on the set of Heat when De Niro and Pacino did their much-touted scene together. Just having the eccentricity and weirdness of those two men in the same room must have caused, like, a solar flare, or a butterfly in Mongolia to die or something. It's the same with Sharon Osbourne and Billy Corgan. You just knew that couldn't last. (By the way, the scene in Heat between Pacino and De Niro was so fucking unsatisfying. It's like, you have two of the most electric and intense actors working in a scene together: hmmmm yeah, let's just have them sit over coffee and talk. Good thinking.)
Anyway. The show. I'm nervous for two reasons: 1) The show is so funny that I'm really not going to have a lot to interject. Really. Just prepare yourself for that. There's just not much to say. And 2) I can't understand a fucking word most of the time, as this is the single most mumbly family ever. So much so that the closed caption people seemed to have given up before they even started, because I can't seem to get the captions to work for the show. (Oh, one more. 3) I also don't know much about Ozzy's music, so spare me the "You didn't know 'Crazy Train' was originally on Such and Such Sabbath album so you shouldn't be recapping this show, moron!" stuff. Thanks.)
So. Here we go. The style of the show is thus: it's like The Real World or Cribs, but with music and graphics and segment editing like it's a real sitcom. An uneasy marriage, but it works. We open with voice-over and a photo of the Osbournes, only there are five people and it's a weird photo. Anyway. The voice-over talks about meeting the "Perfect American Family" and then introduces us to everyone by way of quick pieces.