First, wife Sharon and teenage daughter Kelly sit around with a friend as Kelly yells at an off-screen Jack (the teenage son). She says something I can't understand at all, something about Jack and the paper, which ends with, "because you're a fucking loser!" Then she throws something and hits Jack in the balls. Sharon jumps up and a dog barks (they have tons of animals) and Jack throws something back and Sharon, trying not to laugh, tries to break it up. Friends sitting around laugh. Now Sharon tells us to camera that she's not Mother Teresa -- we then get a shot of her telling the kids, "I'm Ozzy Osbourne's wife. Now shut the fuck up and go to bed." She then swears again at the camera. That's "The Mom."
"The Son." Now Jack marches around the dark backyard in army gear with a knife and tells us that teenagers' brains aren't functional until 10:30 AM. He sits in a chair making noises and faces.
"The Daughter." An always-sullen Kelly (driving, so she must be at least sixteen) with pink hair tells us that she doesn't care if people don't like her hair, because it's not their hair. She realizes it rhymes, and laughs.
"The Dad." Ozzy gets out of a golf cart somewhere. He yells into the camera, "Rock and roll!" Then he walks his weird old-man-shuffling-hands-out walk. Ozzy singing, screaming, putting on tights, humping a dog, showing his ass, watching TV open-mouthed along with Jack. Dancing with Sharon in the kitchen. In a photo shoot. Playing a driving video game. With his shirt off -- his tattoos and big belly and black eyeliner cracking me up. He looks almost identical, these days, to film director Penelope Spheeris, who, ironically, recently did a documentary about the Ozzfest tour called We Sold Our Souls For Rock 'n' Roll. Walking the dog. Telling Jack that they're all "fucking mad." That's Dad.
Graphic of the house. Music. A loungy, swinging number. Pat Boone's version of "Crazy Train," I've been told. Title sequence. The "cast." A cute title sequence ending with a shot of the crazy family standing in front of the front door.
This segment is "There Goes The Neighborhood." A sign. "Beverly Hills." The titles continue, "Introducing, Melinda The Nanny." Shot of Beverly Hills. The house, which they're in the process of moving into. Sharon deals with movers who bring shit in. Boxes of plates and linen gives way to a box labeled "Devil Heads." Ha. Now Ozzy is playing with a bulldog puppet and driving his real bulldog crazy with it. Man, it would be fucked up to be one of Ozzy's animals. Though I'd probably be more afraid of Sharon. Now there is a great shot of Ozzy following an unaware cat with his arms out. The cat sees him and freaks and runs. Ozzy giggles. Ozzy plays in an empty pool while Sharon tells a worker that she's going to drown the guy who's supposed to be building the pool. Moving. Moving. Sharon talks about how this is, like, the twenty-fourth house their kids have lived in, and they're building and painting and hanging crucifixes everywhere. She jokes that they'll never be able to sell this house. A box is labeled "Dead Things." Moving. Moving. Ozzy wonders where he should put his gun -- it quickly becomes clear that he can't exist without Sharon's constant help -- and then runs upstairs to put the gun under the bed. Just like my dad, but my dad couldn't take the stairs two at a time like Ozzy.