More moving. Sharon directs everything. Ozzy finds a knife and asks Jack if he thinks it will make a good bayonet for his gun. Ozzy brings the gun down, and they try to figure it out. Kelly comes in and asks what they're doing. She says, "You're so fucking violent." "Shut up!" both dad and brother yell in tandem, while continuing to work on affixing the bayonet to the gun. Ah, family. And…commercials.

This segment is "Lights. Camera. Ozzy." Kelly's room. A "Crazy Train" runs around a shelf near the ceiling as Kelly continues to unpack with the help of the aforementioned nanny Melinda. Melinda says the outfit Kelly's going to wear to watch her dad on The Tonight Show is "very Jackie O." Kelly whines. That's what Kelly does best.

NBC Studios in Burbank. A place I pass almost daily. A guard, instead of doing his job checking the trunks of people leaving the studio to make sure they didn't steal anything, gushes over Ozzy. (Checking the trunk as you leave the lot is actually what they used to do, as post-9/11 they check your trunk as you enter the studio lot, to make sure you're not bringing anything in.) Ozzy is famously patient with his fans and claims to really love the constant attention and the same shit being said over and over by aging rock fans like this dude. I wonder if it's true or if he's a savvy businessman. I guess unless we're inside that crazy brain, we'll never know. The guard blahs about how Ozzy and Grand Funk Railroad was the first concert he ever saw, and Ozzy holds the man's hand and looks insanely interested. Ozzy remembers that it was at The Forum in '71. Man, I can't even remember what I had for lunch. What a guy.

Back in Jack's room, Melinda tells Jack that he has to hurry if he wants to go to Leno. Jack says that he won't go then. What a dick.

Now Sharon explains to us that Ozzy is very nervous and doesn't like doing television. She says that it's not that it's "selling out" -- which he obviously feels it is -- but it's "too mainstream." Like this entire show centered around your family, you kooky lady. She says she made Ozzy do Leno. (That sounds gross.)

Ozzy flips off the camera and gets dressed in a frilly black thing. Some techie sings "Dude Looks Like A Lady" and then bails. Ozzy comes after him, mumbling, "What are you talking about, 'Dude Looks Like A Lady'?" Hee.