Various Ozzy family photos over the years. They're cute.

Ozzy. Sitting on the couch, drinking his ever-present Diet Coke. He's watching Leno's monologue. Leno makes a joke, and Ozzy, who looks like he hasn't even been paying attention, suddenly laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. A middle-aged black man comes in dressed in a security outfit, and we meet Michael. Michael explains to us that he's been hired to watch the house. He explains that he walks outside and checks the back house and the windows and all. While he's listing his duties, we see him playing pool in the house, hanging with Jack -- doing everything but his job. Now Ozzy continues to watch Leno, and Michael lifts his shirt and tells Sharon, "It's a blood clot. Feel it." Sharon feels Michael's blood clot. That's the grossest thing I've ever written. Michael says he has fun over here.

Now, suddenly, Michael is sitting watching TV as Ozzy loses a lung laughing at a Leno joke. Michael sees Ozzy laugh and laughs too. Ozzy and Michael laugh together. Insane. The both of them.

Now Leno is introducing Ozzy, and Ozzy takes off a bracelet, kisses it, and puts it on the table. Ozzy watches, a look of horror and excitement and worry on his face. As Ozzy on TV performs, Ozzy in the room mouths along with the words and looks nervous. The funny thing is Michael the security guard -- the look on his face during Ozzy's performance is priceless. Blank and bored and a bit disgusted. It's almost as if he hasn't yet made the connection that the dude he works for is a rock star and that's him on the TV. Ozzy pretend-fellates the mic as Ozzy in the house covers his face in his hands and Michael sighs. Commercials.

During the commercials, I think back to a few years ago when I read scripts for a TV company out here in Hollywood. I remember reading this one sitcom pilot about an aging rocker and his family at home. It was cute but nothing great. And, in fact, last I heard a similar pilot was in development with, ironically, The Eagles' Joe Walsh. But after this, you just can't do it. It's all been done. Already. Man.

New segment. More moving in. This is called "Fight Club." The fam is puttering around when something on the stove starts burning. It seems that Kelly has left a hand towel around a teapot on the stove and everyone runs and the housekeeper takes the kettle away. Ozzy laughs and says something about burning the fucking house down and how that's a good idea. Kelly whines and Ozzy calls Kelly a "dimbo." More unintelligible Ozzy and fam babbling as Melinda says something and Jack gives Kelly a round of applause as she whines and pouts. Melinda hugs Kelly as Ozzy congratulates her on the first fire of the new house. He sings "Burning Down The House."