The Osbournes
There Goes The Neighborhood

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The cat. Sitting in a gourd.

Jack asks Kelly if she wants to go out with them that night to the Roxy. She and her little blonde friend get ready. Kelly tells us something about how they have a 2:30 AM curfew. Wow. Strict. She also says that if they think she's lying about what she's been out doing, which she usually is, she's then forced to "lay low" the next day. Wow. Hard life.

Ozzy is ranting about where are they going? He picks up someone's smokes and yells that these will kill you faster than crack. I wonder if Ozzy has ever done crack? Everything else, yes, but probably not crack. Ozzy dodders to the fridge for a Diet Coke as he rants about tobacco being the most addictive shit on the planet. Jack looks bored. They argue about whether or not you even cop a buzz from it. Ozzy says he's smoked heavily for forty-four years and he just quit seven months ago and now can't stand the smell of it. Wow. I quit a year ago and I dream about cigarettes every day. The smell is like roses and powdered sugar to me. He's lucky. Jack says something, but I can't understand. Ozzy asks if the girls have money. Kelly gives him a kiss, and he wipes the lipstick off, swearing.

Jack dances around impatiently as Ozzy asks them not to get drunk or do drugs. "And if you have sex, use a condom." Kelly makes a face.

The Sunset Strip. My neighborhood. Jack and Kelly are with a big group of people at a table while a band of Vikings plays. Oh, you just know they use the Ozzy relationship to get in everywhere. Fuck yeah, I would do it.

So now Kelly bails, and outside, Jack explains that Kelly "has this thing" about leaving when it comes time to go to The Standard, which is a hotel a few blocks from where I'm sitting right now. She tells Jack to "fuck off," he tells us, and then leaves. I don't understand if this is a recurring thing he's talking about, or just tonight. Jack goes on, pissed, to explain that Kelly was a big mall rat until he started inviting her to clubs, and now she tells him to fuck off and that's it.

House. Night. Kelly tells us that she heard Jack was running around "talking crazy shit" about her, and Jack now feels guilty and is in a bad mood. What a weird relationship. Jack goes through the house and finds Ozzy lying with his shirt off on the couch, and Jack swears a lot about Kelly, and Ozzy wonders what's going on. Jack talks about Kelly as Kelly then tells us that Jack always does this. Jack lists the bad stuff Kelly did, like ditching "Sara," and then he goes off again about how if it wasn't for him, Kelly would still be hanging at the mall with her "stupid friends." Ozzy stops him, putting his tattooed hand over his eyes. Ozzy says that he understands, but Jack has to understand where Ozzy is coming from. "I love you all. I love you more than life itself. But you're all fucking mad." Hee.

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The Osbournes

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