Why aren't you out seeing Showtime like the rest of America? Oh, America isn't out seeing Showtime? Oh, no one is? Oh. Poor Eddie Murphy. Hurry up, Shrek 2!

Hee. I was just testing to see if captions were working like someone said. (They're not, at least for me.) And the No Doubt "Hey, Baby!" video came on and the person, who had all the time in the world to figure out the lyrics, got all of the Jamaican dude's words right, but then transcribed "I'm just sipping on chamomile," as "I'm just sipping on Kim Meal." I had a Kim Meal once…but then me and Kim broke up. Goodnight, everybody!

Sharon runs the garbage disposal, with what sounds like three forks, a knife, a couple bottle caps, and Martini the gay dog down there. She bitches that she hates cooking and cleaning up and she's never doing it again. "Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum," she says. The cat sympathetically licks dishes in the dishwasher as Lola gets jealous. Then Sharon looks at the camera and asks, "Do I have a scrotum?" Yes, because you sure took Ozzy's years ago. (Okay, okay -- calm down, everyone. Just a joke. She only took half.)

"Tour of Duty" is the name of this segment. Ozzy works out with a guy who looks like Body By Jake. Jake has Ozzy stretch and then stand up and do these stiff-arm marchy things. They're in Ozzy's gym, and the best part is the full tray of water they've brought in. I hope the cart doubles as defibrillator. Ozzy breathes heavily as Jake counts and tells Ozzy that he's "busting [his] ass." Montage of working out. The best things are the swimming exercise on the floor, the curls with literally no weight on the bar, and the part where Jake is pushing Ozzy's knees to his chest, crouching right by his butt. It looks exactly like it sounds. "Arms are good, Ozzy. Arms are good. Showtime." Yes, Jake. Arms are good. Ozzy coughs, looking miserable. Ozzy tells us he's getting in shape for the tour.

Sharon is in the kitchen on the phone with a reporter, talking about the upcoming tour. She says they were going to call it "Black Christmas," but Osama totally fucked that up. Now it's called "Merry Mayhem."

Ozzy, wearing his snazzy black shorts/tank top/white headband workout ensemble, plays with the faux bulldog toy with the real bulldog, Lola; Lola freaks the fuck out. Sharon describes how Ozzy is going to come into the arena in a sleigh and fly around the joint. There will be a heroin Santa smoking a cigarette that you can have your picture taken with. Meanwhile, Ozzy is making Lola crazy. Sharon wearily tells the guy that they just want the kids to have some fun and then go home again. In other words, don't bother Ozzy backstage. See the show and bail. Or go try to blow the dudes from Static X. Just let Ozzy be.