The Osbournes
Tour Of Duty

Episode Report Card
Stee: A | Grade It Now!
Sweating With The Oldies

Outside the house. Sharon tells Kelly to get in the car. Meanwhile, Ozzy, cold lampin' on his sofa, tells us that Sharon is a shopaholic, that she loves spending money. Kelly is wearing her bunny slippers and gets in the car as Ozzy voice-overs that every shopaholic needs "an accomplice." The car pulls out.

Sharon asks Kelly how they can get Ozzy to watch TV in the playroom so she can cook in the kitchen undisturbed. Kelly brats that Sharon doesn't know how to cook. Sharon says she's trying to learn today. Every once in a while we hear what sounds like a male voice from the backseat trying to weigh in, but he's instantly cut off. Maybe it's SOH, Son Ozzy Hates. Kelly says that Sharon hasn't cooked for her since she was six, and Sharon lies that everything is going to change. Now Sharon starts trying to adjust the mirrors in the Mercedes (she's driving) as Kelly yells that this is her car. Sharon says she can't see. Kelly, wonderful daughter that she is, then tells Sharon that she's a shit driver.

Next they're in a parking lot, and a bewildered lot attendant watches as Sharon yells that she didn't scratch Kelly's license plate when she rammed the car into a shopping cart. Hee. Sharon denies it, but Kelly whines that "half of the seven is off." It's a hard knock life for Kelly. Oooh, two mysteries solved. It's not a lot guy and it's not SOH -- it's Robert, Kelly's "boyfriend," who is with them. Kelly shuffles her bunny slippers, telling Sharon that she's not driving Kelly's car anymore. ["That's weird, because where I'm from, if the parents bought the car, they can drive it whenever -- and ram it into whatever -- they want." -- Sars] "I'm sorry," Kelly adds insincerely.

Shopping spree! Different day (judging by the outfits). Kelly looks for earrings. Checks out prices, as if it matters. Sharon tries something black on. Surprise. Shot of clothes and shoes! Calm down, MTV camera crew. Sharon, now in yet another weird outfit, holds a cross and tells us in her baby, cockney voice, "The Virgin Mary speaks to me. She says, 'You must go to Tiffany…and on the way, stop at Cartier.'" Eh. Jewelry. Dog purse and shoes. End of spree. Good.

At the house. The van is totally loaded with shit. Ozzy bitches, shuffling out to help carry his hard-earned money, now in the form of ugly shit from Beverly Hills boutiques, into the house. He mumbles as he grabs stuff. Sharon tells us conspiratorially that she and Kelly cover each other's asses and that Ozzy "shits" when he hears they're going out shopping. (Well, he should see a doctor about that.) Sharon is smiling as she says that Kelly doesn't miss a beat. Ozzy is bitching as Kelly lies to Daddy, "It's all stuff for your bathroom." Yeah, pearl shoes and dog purses for Ozzy's bathroom. Just what he needs.

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The Osbournes




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