The Osbournes
Tour Of Duty

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Sweating With The Oldies

Ozzy sits on the couch and asks where his other gold card is, and why he doesn't have it back yet. Sharon lies that it's in her bag and she hasn't had a chance to go out and buy anything, so Ozzy shouldn't worry. Eh, something's going on.

Kelly is running around the house as we see Ozzy, behind the mini Eiffel Tower, unaware; Sharon tells us that Kelly has lost Ozzy's card. She told Ozzy Sharon had it and Sharon covered, but she doesn't have it. Oops. Kelly runs around. A friend is with her, seriously lagging up the stairs. Now Ozzy yells at Sharon about a "stuffed bulldog!" and he goes to show her the toy. He makes the toy bulldog bark at Lola, who goes apeshit yet again. It's Ozzy's favorite new hobby. Thank god they didn't get rid of Lola or he'd be bored silly. Ozzy shows Sharon that it's not cardboard, it's leather…and Lola jumps in Sharon's lap trying to get at it. Sharon cackles.

Back upstairs, Kelly looks around her room, saying that she's dead if she doesn't find it. Sharon, outside, says that Kelly shouldn't have had it in the first place. More Kelly freaking out. Sharon tells us that "only in America" can you get away with using someone else's credit card. She laughs that Kelly is "shitting herself" right now. Ew. Different show. Kelly pours the contents of her purse out onto the driveway like Ally Sheedy saying that you never know when you might have to jam. Commercials.

Back. House. Night. Kelly de-Sheedys her bag and runs to look in the minivan. She finds the gold card. Sharon is relieved. (Ozzy must be poor, because I have a platinum card!)

This new segment is called "Practice Makes Perfect." Ozzy, being driven to band practice, warns the camera guys that if they're coming in, they have to wear earplugs because the guitarist Zakk (don't email and correct me if I'm wrong about his name -- I don't care) plays "louder than fucking Satan." We see the band play as Sharon instructs us as to exactly what rehearsing is. Thanks, Sharon. Ozzy jumps up and down behind the mic. Then Sharon says he has to do the videos.

Ozzy is trying on women's clothing. Of course he is. People stand around as he tries on different stuff. Everyone laughs. Ozzy hugs someone. He tells us, talking with his mouth full, that he hates making videos, that most directors think they're making a "fucking major motion movie." Kelly explains that they're doing a Moulin Rouge sketch for some show. Maybe for the tour? I'm not sure. A costume chick puts garters on Ozzy, and then fake boobs. Kelly eats, voice-overing to us that she really doesn't want to go on tour; she'd rather stay at home and hang with her friends. Kelly pulls a thong off the rack and holds it up, wondering how far up her crack it would ride.

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The Osbournes

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