The Osbournes
Tour Of Duty

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Sweating With The Oldies

Now Ozzy is on set, in all sorts of different costumes, standing in front of a green screen. Doing a Miss Cleo thing, he tells us that this is "fucking stupid." Yes, it is. More make-up and costume changes. Wigs. Eyelashes. Ozzy mugs. More fake tits. They discuss how the nipples should point. Ozzy, sort of digging how he looks as a woman, tells us that he looks like a "Dark Side hooker." He fellates a banana and brays like a donkey. A Grim Director Chick tells him to make "lady noises." He squeaks, "Hello!" still holding the banana. The director rubs her face and mutters; man, I can't make out what she says. She takes the banana away from a reluctant Ozzy, saying that they have to fix his make-up. She yells, "Could we get the dildo in real fast?" Lord, how many times have I heard that. Ozzy does a spit take. Ozzy bitches about the things he does to make a living. The director bitches, "You!? You're a fucking millionaire." Ozzy grimaces, but then laughs, but then stops. Oh, she is so fired when Sharon hears about this.

Ozzy is standing in Christina Aguilera garb with the scary hair, dancing around. The fired director tells him that they're going to lip sync. "Mocha choca latta ya ya," she says. Oh, this isn't going to be good. Ozzy, of course, fucks it up, and then bitches about what kind of drink is that -- that they should just go to Starbucks. Hee. Some guy laughs.

Mogul Jack sits at band practice, talking on the phone and then shaking hands with all the band members. (Hee: "Members.") Sharon sadly tells us that Jack isn't coming on tour because he's going to stay at home and try to get his label up. In a hallway, Jack asks the band if they've come up with any new band names yet. They offer "Jack Sabbath." Jack says, "That's kind of cool," his braces shining. How about "Jack's Pee Stain"?

Bedroom. Minnie wanders in. Sharon greets the dog and tells her to follow. Someone is packing for Ozzy as Sharon tells us that getting ready to go out on tour is very stressful for Ozzy. The assistant packs shoes in a protective bag as Ozzy bitches that he can't handle it anymore.

Getting on the bus. Loading the bus. Kelly is coming. Fat-with-a-"ph" fucking bus that's really just a mobile bedroom. Ozzy and Sharon snuggle under the covers with some of the dogs, asking for "kisses." We see they're on the way to Tucson. Ozzy pretends to jack off under the covers. Sharon pokes Ozzy in the eye and asks if it hurts. Ozzy pokes her back in the mouth. Driving. Driving. They describe how they used to bring their babies on tour; it would be a bus like that one, but with the cribs in the corner. Ozzy makes out with one of the dogs -- swear -- as Sharon voice-overs that Ozzy hasn't been the typical father who comes home with the briefcase. Naw, but every dad drinks four bottles of vodka and then tries to kill Mom. Right. Right? "You're know, we're not the fucking Partridge Family," says Sharon. Although, like the Partridges, you're living on a bus and you don't have sex. Commercials.

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The Osbournes

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