The Osbournes
Tour Of Duty

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Sweating With The Oldies

New segment is "Mother Knows Best." Uh-oh. Night. Southwest somewhere. Hotel room. Ozzy yells that they're rehearsing tonight, trying to hurry Sharon up. He mutters about how she treats the dog better than him.

"Tingley Coliseum." Wherever the fuck. Most of the neon letters are blown out so it reads, "Ting Seum." Ozzy rehearses. Zakk plays. Some midgets watch. Seriously.

Now Ozzy walks through the place, wanting to see the special effects. Tour Guy shows him this big fucking 12-barrel cannon; he explains that it shoots "pyro." Ozzy says that you can shoot fucking Iraq with the thing. Hee. They test the sleigh Ozzy rides in on, Sharon watching from below. "Snow" shoots out the back as Ozzy jokes that it's "anthrax." Good joke, Ozzy. Ozzy cackles and plays with the Iraq gun. People clap for the sleigh. "Houston, the eagle has landed," Ozzy giggles.

Backstage. Sharon and Ozzy stand around as Sharon compliments the woman dressed as a whorish Mrs. Claus. An eager-to-please female assistant howls like Sharon is the funniest thing since Ozzy's spit take. Whore Claus dances around for them. Now there is Heroin Claus, who gets a lap dance from an eager elf-woman. Montage to a Christmas song. Sleigh. Mrs. Claus. Santa helpers -- sluts. Santa. A midget in a skeleton costume beats a baby with a stick. Of course he does. Then he drives Kelly around backstage in a cart. Kelly giggles. Kelly gets to drive the cart herself. Kelly walks with Sharon, holding hands.

Santa is hung on a cross on stage. Ozzy jokes that Santa is a saint. He laughs with band dudes and says, "It's fucking ridiculous." It is. Then a tech guy explains that there will be popcorn going off. "Popcorn?" says Ozzy. Then the shit goes off (loud explosions) and Ozzy says, "Shit." Everyone is laughing as Ozzy holds a shaky hand to his heart. Sharon then points to the stage and sings, "Tiny Bubbles," as indeed, bubbles fly around. "Bubbles!? Ah c'mon, Sharon, I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness! Evil evil evil." He mutters on about the bubbles and then asks Sharon when the "male models" come out and start stroking themselves. No, that's the George Michael concert. Now Ozzy bitches as Sharon walks off. "I'm not going to do it, Sharon!" Sharon says that she's changed her name. Ozzy just wants to play music.

Green room. (It's actually blue.) Hee. Ozzy is still bitching that he's the one who has to go onstage in two nights. He yells about fucking bubbles and "fucking stupid cannons" and "a fucking Santa Claus machine landing on the fucking stage. I just want to play rock and roll, man." Sharon snickers over by the Red Bulls and snacks. Ozzy says that she has forty-eight hours to sort it out and what's she going to do about it? Sharon says that she'll sort it out, totally lying. (Ozzy was loving the sleigh and the cannon earlier. The bubbles pushed him over the top, I guess.) Sharon asks when has stuff not been fixed? Ozzy sits, brooding, as Sharon sits next to him in the fetal position, covering her face like a scolded child. (And this is exactly what works for them so well. She makes decisions. He bitches about them. She pretends to be scolded, but is really just biding her time for it to blow over. And then he does what she told him to do in the first place. Perfect!) Ozzy gets up and walks away. Now Sharon asks some dude about the set list as Ozzy looks at the food. She says the set list will be what it was today. Ozzy wanders into another little room, and thank god the camera stays on him. As the guys joke with Sharon and one of them says something about being Mexican, Ozzy sits down with his food…and the chair tips over backwards, crashing all the way over so just Ozzy's feet in the air are visible to us. Goddamn, the funniest shot ever. Ever! The dog is all scared. A minute after the dudes come out of the back room, a bearded guy laughs that "it never ends." Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. They deserve an Emmy for the scene, right there. (The best is how Ozzy is setting down his food and then wiping his mouth as the chair starts to go over. And he tries to right himself, but the thing just whips back and falls out of frame. And then his feet…hee. Lord.)

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The Osbournes

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