The Osbournes
Tour Of Duty

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Sweating With The Oldies

Hotel room. Night. Ozzy and Sharon cuddle on the couch as an assistant dude stands by. Ozzy interrupts Sharon and Assistant and asks if Sharon is going back tomorrow. Her stupid cockney voice: "No. No I'm not, Daddy." Ozzy puts his hands over her mouth and asks the dude when they're playing Albuquerque. Assistant is silent and then laughs, unable to lie. Ozzy is hot on the case now, asking if they're doing two shows back to back. Sharon says, "No, don't be ridiculous." Uh-oh. Ozzy asks to see an itinerary, and the assistant dude stalls that he thinks his copy is on the bus. Ozzy now asks Sharon again, and she laughs, "Don't get technical, Daddy." Ozzy is freaking out that he's on the road and he wants an itinerary. Minnie starts trying to bite Ozzy as he fucks with Sharon. He asks again for an itinerary, and she closes her eyes -- "I don't know where one is, I'm not well" -- yes, in the voice again. Assistant laughs because that's what he's paid for. Finally the assistant ("Tim"?) says he'll go get one, and Ozzy has had enough and gets serious. Sharon finally admits that they have a show tomorrow (in Tuscon?) and then a show the next night in Albuquerque. Oops. Ozzy freaks out that she can't do that to him and that he's going to break his voice and he's fifty-two and she knew he couldn't do it before she booked the thing. Assistant Tim comes back with the itinerary, and Ozzy jabs that that was a quick run to the bus. Tim mutters that it's Sharon's itinerary. (How uninvolved in his own career is Ozzy that he hasn't even seen his own schedule the day before a tour starts?) Ozzy stands up and rails as Sharon and Tim exchange a sour look. Ozzy says that Sharon only cares about money and she knows he'll just do it. Now Ozzy sits again, and Sharon says that Ozzy has never done nine gigs in a row in his life, and he says she'll change that next. He says that it's "abuse" and that he won't fucking do it. All serious, he says that it's going to be "one on, one off. I ain't doing it."

Cut to Ozzy on stage. "Hello Albuquerque, how you doing?" Hee. Perfect. Ozzy moons the crowd. Tour montage! Ozzy sings. Crowd. The bus. The road. Kelly shuts her ears, smiling. Ozzy dunks his head. The crowd. The show. Sharon smiling, having gotten her way. Over.

Next week. Ozzy on stage, holding his leg. He tells us that he's never broken his leg before, so he doesn't know what it's like. (Is this from when, it's been reported, Ozzy fell off the wagon on tour and fell, drunk, into a bathtub or something?) Ozzy, in the backyard, chases the cat around the empty pool. Ozzy says that he's going to bash the cat with his walking stick. He yells, surprisingly not having been able to catch the cat, "Sharon!" Inside, Sharon tells Jack that he's not going to a rave. Jack, on the phone, imitates his mom, mocking her. There is a weird-ass green-screen shot of Jack doing the robot in front of shots of a rave. Ozzy, cross-armed, mumbles to us something about being fed bullshit or something. Now Ozzy and Sharon sit across from Jack. Ozzy says, all serious, "I will not have dope smoked in my fucking house." Jack says that he has to go and gets up. Sharon yells after him. Oooooooh. Jack's in trouble.

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The Osbournes

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