The Osbournes
Trouble In Paradise

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Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

"Break A Leg." Ozzy performs. People scream. Ozzy now tells us that while he was playing, his leg was getting really bad and he was still jumping around. We see Ozzy backstage, dancing around to his Moulin Rouge video opening. Sharon told Ozzy not to do any jumps. We see Ozzy doing jumps while Zakk rocks. Ozzy says he can't just stand up there like "a dork." Playing UTEP, Ozzy jumps. Now he holds his leg and gets helped offstage. He tells us that he's never broken his leg, so he didn't know what it felt like.

Hotel room. A guy hands X-rays or MRI results to some other guy to get sent back with them. Ozzy tells us that he's not a wimpy guy, and he makes a voice and jokes, "Oh, doctor. I've got a pain in my big toe. Please don't amputate." Hee.

Now Sharon tells us that Ozzy's wearing a temporary Velcro cast because they have to keep X-raying the leg. We see the X-ray, then Ozzy being helped off the bus and onto a plane. Ozzy now tells us that it's a tiny fracture but not life-threatening; it's going to keep him down for a couple weeks. The plane takes off, and of course, "Mama, I'm Coming Home" plays. You've been waiting for weeks to play that, huh, people?

Ozzy comes home, somehow with Lola. It's night. Sharon greets him at the front door. The dude from the hotel brings the X-ray for Sharon -- he explains it while Sharon looks at the X-ray. Jack hovers around. Sharon says she can't see anything, but Jack says he can see the bone "shaving." Ozzy holds the X-ray up to Kelly's butt, joking that she has sunshine coming out of her ass. Hee. Ozzy is bummed and/or drunk. He yells for Jack to put the X-ray that he's carrying away, back. He says that if you want to see a break, he'll crack it for you (huh?). Sharon tells him to fuck off. Ozzy grabs a baguette and breaks it. Jack laughs. Now Ozzy sits with a drink (a drink drink?) as Sharon kisses him. He yells, "Look how fucking fat the cat's got!" The cat is rolling around on the couch. Kelly says that she's supposed to be fat. Melinda says that at least Puss is over her herpes. "Puss had herpes?!" Ozzy yells, a disgusted look on his face. They argue over whether or not she had it in the eye and/or the mouth. Ew. Ozzy wants to leave, looking around. Sharon tells Ozzy to keep the leg elevated. He says he will if he has a naked lady lying on him for the next three weeks. Sharon laughs. Kelly asks how long he has to wear the boot. Four weeks. Then Sharon says that Kelly and Ozzy could "share shoes" -- she wears flat-style shoes. Ozzy says she's "fucking funny," getting up. Sharon's all, "I know. Billy C. used to think I was hysterical. Until he fired my ass. He loved my little-girl voice. Still couldn't get him to fire James Iha, though."

Quick, brilliant bit. Ozzy sleeps on the couch. Snoring. Lola sleeps next to him, snoring. The TV plays an ad for anti-snoring pills. Beautiful!

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The Osbournes

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