The Osbournes
Trouble In Paradise

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Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

Now Jack camera-talks to us that Kelly is turning into "L.A. trash" with her "fake I.D." We see her trying to get into a club with a fake I.D. -- the doorman asks for a flashlight, only actually checking because there is a camera crew watching her show a fake I.D. I'm pretty sure she's trying to get into Three of Clubs, which is an unmarked club in the middle of Hollywood. Kelly looks like she's sixteen. Oh yeah, she is. Kelly mouths "fuck."

Now in the pantry of the house, Kelly, standing with a friend, shows her mom her fake I.D. and how good it is -- holding it side-by-side with her real I.D. Sharon, reacting like many moms would in my hometown of Berkeley, doesn't get mad, but rather sings, "You're going to get arrested." Man, they have lots of baked beans in their pantry. Oh right, the English love them some beans.

Meanwhile, Jack is on the phone and asks his mom if he can sleep over at Sarah's house. Who is Sarah? The hair ho who he told about his peeing in the bed? Sharon says that he can't, because if he does, he'll go to "that stupid rave" and she says he's not going to the rave. Jack mocks her. Jack shouldn't talk -- he's the one with braces, drinking a big glass of milk, talking to his friend who he pees the bed with; there's lots to potentially make fun of there. Sharon says she doesn't care if he's twenty-six. Sharon tells the mocking Jack to shut up. Jack says Sharon is mean and then says that Lola would let him go, wouldn't she? Lola looks at him. The fucking insane editing staff cuts in a little voice, during the closing-of-the-segment music, going, "No." Hee.

Sharon talks in the kitchen to some dude, figuring out Ozzy's schedule. I think he may be the doctor guy, because Sharon is saying that in three weeks she's going to send Ozzy out on the road again, and the guy is expressing vague reservations, saying that as long as Ozzy isn't coming home and doing jumping jacks, it should be okay. I don't think that was part of his Body By Jake workout last week.

Cut to Puss out in the garden, fucking around in the empty pool. Kelly is very worried about him, and Ozzy says the cat is going to die. Ozzy says he has a broken leg, and Kelly bitches, "So do I, Dad!" She says that Jack won't go get the cat because he's a stupid, fat, lazy bastard. She throws the mother of all wobblers as Ozzy trembles out into the yard with his cane. Ozzy swears and wonders -- talking to the camera crew, I guess -- where is the cat? He crashes through the bushes in the yard and sees the cat and then swears at it. Man, if I were a cat and Ozzy was limping towards me and calling me all sorts of names, there's no way in hell I'd come. Ozzy swears a torrent as the cat runs away. Hee. "Where? Where?" he says. Ozzy calls Puss a "dumb-shit motherfucker" and says she shouldn't walk in the landscaping. One mark of being rich is that you refer to things in your yard not as "bushes" or "trees" but as "landscaping." Ozzy curses all "fucking animals" and then says he's going to bash Puss over the head with his walking stick. "Walking stick"?! Hee. Finally Ozzy does what he does best: "Shaaarrron!" he yells. He asks "us" again if the cat is coming down that way, and dodders after it through the bushes. He asks for "somebody" to grab the cat. The cat is now just fucking around and having fun, and Ozzy yells for Sharon again. Now Lola is helping find the cat as Ozzy again asks us where the cat went. Ozzy disappears into the bushes as Sharon finally comes out of the house. Ozzy says the cat is "here, but she won't come out." Man, this is like watching my great aunt trying to find her cigarettes. Sharon says that Ozzy shouldn't be doing that and the cat is screeching and Ozzy is still in the bushes. He says, "I've gotta…I've gotta…I know this, Sharon, but nobody else will get the fucking cat and I'm trying…" Sharon tells him to come upstairs now and lie down. Finally he explains the very touching reason he's doing it: "I don't want the coyotes to get the cat." Aw, man. That's sweet. Also, this segment may be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

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The Osbournes

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