The Osbournes
Trouble In Paradise

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Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

Day. Kitchen. Jack and Son Ozzy Hates (or a random friend). Ozzy wonders where Jack was last night and then hugs Jack, asking if he's been smoking that "evil" weed. He says that Jack is a lying sack of shit when Jack says that he didn't smoke. Hee. Ozzy calls weed "wonger." What? As Jack is leaving, they ask Jack what he's going to do tonight. He says that he doesn't know, and Sharon says that he's lying; he also says he doesn't know if he's coming home or not. He then jokes that he's going to go do crack in a dark alley. Finally, the truth.

Ozzy camera-talks that his house is like a revolving door (I was going to say it's like a loony bin, but whatever. Tomato, tomahto). He goes on that it's like an after-hours club. We get a quick shot of Michael patrolling the grounds with a flashlight. Go Michael! (I hope they realize that every nutcase out there now knows, after watching this show, that Ozzy's house would be the fucking easiest place to break into, with that crack security staff.) Ozzy bitches on that he's trying to sleep and people are downstairs in the chill room playing pinball and loud music until 5:30 in the morning. We see this happening; Kelly is even there, having fun. "Party Hard," the weirdest song I've ever heard, plays as we get A Montage Of Fun! Pinball. Pool. Fake fighting. Pool. Pinball. Jack bites Lola's cheek until Lola bites back. Lola is fucking cute. More fake fighting. Sharon in bed. Some dude naked, getting into Jack's bed. Ew! Melinda asks Kelly what's going on and Kelly, covering her face, says, all The Sixth Sense, "I saw his balls." Sharon asks them to turn the music down a bit. (This is in Jack's room.) She says the bass is very loud; Jack just smiles as Sharon says she's going to "smack [his] bottom." As she leaves, the boys all laugh. Sharon could, you realize, say the exact same thing she said to the bad neighbors the other night -- the stuff about little Englishman and spending his daddy's money. Anyway, now Sharon tells Ozzy that they're going to have to "talk" to Jack about how it's one continual party. Ozzy says that the games are over, that it's not a "continual party." It doesn't work like that, he says. Well, it does, but then you turn forty-five and your shit is fucked the hell up forever. Commercials.

New segment. "The Meeting." Scary music. The doors of the house, at night, open automatically. Sharon, in the kitchen, tells us, smiling nervously, that they're going to have a family talk about "false I.D., curfew, and school." (Yippie dog is screaming. Man, I hate yippie dogs. I'm glad someone else likes them.) My theory is that they don't care about Kelly's fake I.D., but just put that in the meeting itinerary so it didn't seem like they were just busting Jack -- which they are. Now Ozzy, his arms crossed in that half-authoritarian, half-nervous way he has, says, "Big Daddy's just fed up with the bullshit." Sharon says that they have to put their foot down and be strong -- in a way you can tell they're totally not going to be. She says that Kelly is going to start "screaming." Ozzy, trying to sit down but constantly missing, says that Kelly is going to go apeshit, and that it's going to be "World War III." (But then Ozzy could crack open a Diet Coke and watch it on the History Channel!) Kelly, picking her nose, tells us that they can never have a family meeting because "someone" always ends up getting defensive. Quick shot of Ozzy saying, "What?!"

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The Osbournes

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