The Osbournes
Trouble In Paradise

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

Now Ozzy and Sharon discuss the upcoming meeting. Ozzy asks if Sharon will indeed enforce the curfew "forever?" She says that she will, and he responds, "Bullocks." They go in, Ozzy wincing over his bum leg.

Meeting. They don't let camera crews in this one room, but it's still wired for visual and sound, so we get the whole meeting -- which surprised the MTV crew, I read. Anyway, Sharon and Ozzy sit opposite Kelly and Jack. Sharon starts out by asking them (very smart tactic, Sharon) if they think it's "right" that they go out night after night and party and that they have no structure? She says that they have to "work" towards finding structure. Ozzy says they have to come to some sort of agreement about going out and coming in, and they can't keep fucking running around all hours during the week. Jack says that he isn't out every night. "This is the thing!" he says. Ozzy gets up, saying that "this fucking thing sucks, I hate it." Hee. Sharon tells him to sit there with her, knowing that Ozzy is bad at this parental shit. Ozzy just sits back down in his chair. Ozzy starts listing what Jack does in his room -- that he plays on his computer and listens to Tool. Jack says that he mostly reads. Ozzy says that he's his "Da," and Jack has a guilty smirk on his face. I'm not sure where Ozzy is going with this, but the court will allow the line of inquiry…for now. A dog jumps around. (Talking about lack of structure -- they should have a sit-down with the animals.) Sharon says that last night someone "drops up" to play pool at 2:30 AM, and that it's "not normal." Ozzy gets straight-up dad on them by saying that he didn't pay all this money to live in an amusement arcade…that he might as well live in a hotel. He asks if they would be allowed to come by their friends' houses at 2:30 AM and play pool. (This isn't going well.) Jack rubs his face and sighs. Ozzy wonders what a good time is, and Sharon says 12:30 during the week. Ozzy immediately stands up (it looks like he's holding and using a nicotine dispenser fake-smoke thing, but I think he's off the shit clean) and says that it's all sorted, then. Hee. Sharon tells him to sit with her. He again just sits back down in his chair.

Sharon now talks to Kelly about the I.D. As predicted, she indeed sort of screams that she's never going to use it to buy alcohol. Ozzy says, "How old are you?" Long silence. She says, "Dad, you know how old I am!" Ozzy says, "Yes, okay," without actually having to say how old she is. (He has no idea.) Ozzy says that if she gets busted, it's over, that she won't even touch the "landing strip" (I think he's still worried about them getting deported); he says she shouldn't be hanging around at clubs until she's twenty-one. Ozzy bitches on about fake I.D.s and that it's "bullshit." Kelly then pulls the Osbourne Trump Card, saying that Ozzy and Sharon have to understand that she and Jack have been brought up differently than most kids. Ozzy is confused: "What!?" But then Sharon explains that Kelly means "generally," and Ozzy calms down. They say that no other kids who were brought up with parents in the music business went on tour. Sharon says she knows, and she chose to have the kids go out with them so they could be together as a family. Kelly says that she likes that they did that, and she wouldn't have that "any differently," but that everyone else is "very immature." What? Sharon interrupts that she knows this, and Kelly yells, "Can you let me finish!?" Kelly now starts whining about how hard it was for her growing up with all the kids teasing her in class; she says that some kids still can't get over the fact that her dad bit the head off a bat twenty years ago. (How exactly does this excuse her using a fake I.D.?) She says that it's not "fair" and she doesn't like it. Ozzy asks if she'd like home schooling. Silence. Sharon says that she understands and she hated school too. "Same here," offers Ozzy. Kelly says that they've all done stupid things, but she doesn't do drugs. Ozzy stands up and says, "You've done them?" Again, silence. Again, Sharon tells him to sit with her. Again, Ozzy sits back down. Hee.

Now Ozzy turns to Jack and says that he will not have pot or drugs of any "time" ("type" and "kind" together, forming a new word!) smoked in his fucking house. Ozzy says that Jack needs to cut out the dope, because it ain't going to lead to good places. "Look at me," he says. Yikes. Good point. Jack says that everyone thinks he has a problem, but that he doesn't drink or smoke pot because he "craves" it, but rather because he "chooses" to do it. Wow, good point, kid. Ozzy volleys back that he didn't at first either, but eventually he became addicted. (This is really not going well.) Jack lies that eighty percent of the population uses weed. Bullshit. Ozzy counters that if eighty percent of the population got a stupid tattoo, would he do it too? What? (Kelly would. Kelly did.) Jack laughs, thinking about Kelly's tattoo also. Ozzy brings out a better statistic -- about how if eighty percent of the population poked themselves in the eye every Wednesday; would Jack do it? Jack helpfully answers that no, he would not. Jack goes on that he doesn't have a problem. Now Kelly rats him out like Melinda that Jack did admit that he smokes every night to help him go to sleep. Busted! Jack says that he doesn't, and then yells, "Oh, I'm such a liar!" and says that he has to go, and that he has somewhere to be and this isn't even a "fucking structured conversation" and that he has no say. He bails! Lord. Sharon calls after him, but he's gone. Good going, Kelly. Ozzy stands up, muttering, "End of conversation, go back to being normal, I'll see you later." He dodders off, saying, "Fucking kids." Hee.

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The Osbournes




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