The Osbournes
Trouble In Paradise

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Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

Oh, remember how I was saying that Chiklis opus The Shield, over on FX, had beaten The Osbournes' debut? Well, while the ratings for The Osbournes has steadily increased each week, The Shield's have dropped. Now, while I don't have anything against old Commish/Daddio himself, I will say this: neener neener neener.

Ozzy gets off a plane and camera-talks that they're on a whirlwind promotional tour, and he hasn't had "any sleep but a piss" all day since six in the morning. Shaaaaaron!!!

Scary fans scream and yell. Ozzy performs, grabbing his crotch, which they tile out for some reason. They showed Michael Jackson doing it. I find Ozzy's grabbing his crotch much less scary. In fact, how come they can show Lola taking a massive shit, but they can't show a man grabbing his cock, unless it's on the baseball diamond? I swear, I'll take this whole medium down! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

"It's called rock and roll!" Ozzy yells, and then turns away, sad. Ozzy is tired.

Credits.

The first segment is called "Trouble in Paradise." Sharon's bedroom. Kelly and her booooooyfriend are hanging out. Sharon is saying that they're going to have to put Kelly's leg in a cast tomorrow, and she whines, "Noooo!" She explains that it was raining, and she stepped up onto the curb to shake someone's hand, and there was a hole the exact same size as her foot and she stepped in it and fell. And now we see it -- man, she steps right in this hole and falls over. She could have totally broken her foot clean off. Clean off, I tell you! She tells us she felt like "such a crackhead." Hey, Kelly, don't claim you know what it feels like to be a crackhead until you've actually been one, okay. You diss crackheads everywhere when you do that.

But seriously, the hole is huge. They should sue, except they have enough money. I knew a girl who fell through a grate in Manhattan clear down like twenty feet, and got millions. (Go try it! She only, like, broke her back and lost all her teeth. But think about it: millions.) Kelly now whines why does she always have to fall or trip or smack her face? While she whines, we see her fall and trip and smack her face at different times. Hee. Sharon says Ozzy and Kelly are both always falling and are both accident prone. She goes on that Ozzy's leg is still really bad. (Well, there is a difference, Sharon, between "accident prone" and "drunk off his ass.") Now Kelly whines that she doesn't want Sharon to go out on tour, that when they're both gone there is no one to mediate between Kelly and Jack. That should be Melinda's job, but she's the most ineffectual nanny since, well, The Nanny. We see Jack running after Kelly and Kelly screaming. Sharon does her little voice -- the voice about which lots of mad Limeys have written complaining that it's not "cockney" (yeah, okay, whatever you say) -- saying that she has to go. She's going to Houston, she says. Sharon goes on that she misses her husband.

Shot of Houston. An Ozzy song plays. I like Ozzy's voice a lot, though I never got into his music much. We get a shot of the Art Cows, or whatever they're called. I think Houston or Chicago was the first city for this. Texas flag. More music. (Obviously, they've somewhat gotten over Ozzy pissing on the Alamo.)

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The Osbournes

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