The Osbournes
Viva Ozz Vegas

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Always Bet On Jack

I vowed I never would, because I think it's an invasion of privacy -- even beyond the one they allow every week -- and because I just generally think it's pretty tacky. I would also hate it if I ever were a notable type of person. But the other day, since we have a friend in town, we drove by Ozzy's house. We were right there showing her the Strip, and it was an easy loose right off Sunset. Well. We never found it. I once knew where it was, because someone sent me the address and I Mapquested it. But I've since forgotten, and we didn't find it. In a way I'm very glad. We did end up driving through the hills for a while, going obnoxiously by the houses we coveted and slowing down, but hey, they're rich and have insane houses. They deserve it.

Ozzy works out. He lies down as his Piscopo-looking trainer is rubbing him down. Ozzy wants him to use Icy-Hot, but the trainer says it doesn't do anything, though it's not going to hurt you. Cut to: Ozzy shuffling through the living room, muttering to some random woman that Icy-Hot on his ass and testicles is burning. Jack laughs while the woman -- who's eating a piece of pizza -- is just trying to get out of the way of burning-balls man. Jack says that at least he can hit the high notes now. Ozzy, shaking like a leaf, mutters about it moving down his legs and onto an "uncomfortable" part of his belly. They assure him it won't last that long. He wobbles off, saying, "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire." Hee.

Opening. Theme. Credits. Done. The title card says, "Viva Ozz-Vegas."

House. Day. Sharon's room. Sharon says they have to talk about Kelly's birthday dinner. Instead of saying thank you that's very nice, Kelly brats that every year there's a big party and she stays in her room the whole time and that parties are for the people who come, not for the guest of honor. She says she didn't even see her birthday cake. Huh? I bet Jack ate it in the pantry. With his beans. They then decide to go to Vegas for a "couple of shows" and have fun. Robert comes in, and they look at the paper. Kelly says how pretty she thinks Cyndi Lauper is. Sharon agrees, using her baby voice so that it seems as though she actually really hates Cyndi Lauper. "Bless her," Sharon says. Yeah, Sharon hates Cyndi Lauper.

Doctor's office. Ozzy shuffles into a doctor's office, the walls of which are lined with gold record plaques. Wow. I guess he really loves his doctor and gives him these -- or the doctor is also a famous recording artist. ["Dr. John?" -- Sars] The doctor checks out Ozzy's vocal chords -- Ozzy is doing one show in Vegas on Saturday. Ah, shit, that's fucked up. Sharon would make Ozzy perform to pay for the weekend. Poor guy. The doctor tells Ozzy to go "eee" and Ozzy says "ehhh." They do this a few times like a vaudevillian act. The doctor says his chords look great. And that's it. They hug. Man, I never get a hug from my doctor, even after he's felt my balls. Actually, come to think of it, it's probably a good thing my doctor doesn't try to hug me while feeling my balls.

Sharon's make-up room. Sharon and Kelly get made up. They talk about how Kelly is eighteen now and can fire Sharon -- joking, but sorta not, a little. Kelly starts talking about her tits and asking, if she took Johanna to a doctor, could she get the same tits as Johanna. She says she fucking hates her tits, that they're so fucking boring. "Get them done," says Sharon, ever the encouraging mom. I guess she got massive face work, so she can't say anything. (Of course, they have to be joking here. They just have to be. Right?) Kelly then wonders why she has to have Sharon's fucking tits, why couldn't she have had Aimee's tits? She goes on that Aimee has perfect tits. Sharon doesn't get offended or tell Kelly she's fine. She just agrees that Aimee does have perfect tits. Such honesty in this family. I love it. Kelly says Aimee has "Welcome to London" tits, while she has National Geographic tits. Hee. And, ew.

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The Osbournes

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