The Osbournes
Viva Ozz Vegas

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Always Bet On Jack

Office. So Tony, or whatever that Pete Townshend-looking manager guy's name is, brogues on about how Nevada gaming laws won't allow them to drink or use their fake IDs. Kelly lies that she has no fake ID. Girlie, we have it on tape. Just check my old recap. Anyway, the Venetian hotel sent a whole book of rules for them. Wow, if the Venetian sends the Osbournes a big book of rules, I wonder what they send to Snoop and crew when they come. It must be like War and Peace. Kelly lies that she's not really going to Vegas to party. Bitch Boy gives a take to the camera. Hee.

Kelly is on the phone telling a friend that she had to sign a contract that she can't drink. It's her birthday and they're not going to let her do anything. Poor Kelly. Such a restricted life she leads.

Jack packs, talking to some friend who's coming about how they can drink in the hotel room. The friend thought it was zero tolerance, and Jack says that security isn't going to be in his room with him. Though if the security was cute enough, Jack might invite him in.

Sharon tells Kelly that today is special -- not, as Kelly thinks, because she no longer has any control over her (yeah, right. "No longer"), but because she can remember every minute she almost died giving birth to her. They argue, Kelly saying she wanted to be all hippie and natural. Sharon says they almost had to give her a tracheotomy. Uh, isn't that the wrong passage to cut? What, did Sharon give birth through her mouth?

Jack says his friend who is already waiting in Vegas has six Penthouse girls waiting for them. So? Jack has no use for that. The dudes then go all Swingers, talking about cruising Vegas in suits.

Sharon continues how she gets overemotional about it. She imitates the nurse telling Sharon not to die.

Jack tries to decide if he should bring a teddy bear. He finally decides that everyone has to experience harsh Vegas sometime.

Sharon continues, "Father, please, please. Let me live." Kelly screams, laughing.

Outside. Morning. They load up short buses. Jack thinks all the guys are supposed to go on the first plane. Kelly then brats, "Whose birthday is it? Mine!" They yell, Kelly bitching that Jack is bringing eight of his friends. Some guy tells Kelly she has a "superstar attitude." What a bunch of ungrateful fucks. The guys pile in the van. Kelly predicts that this is going to be a disaster trip, and Bitch Boy and Bad Nanny walk her back to the house as Jack and his boys take off. Commercials.

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The Osbournes

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