The Osbournes
Viva Ozz Vegas

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Always Bet On Jack

Of course, Kelly and Sarah go downstairs. (Now, actually, I think this is a flashback from the original fight in the bar, but they make it look like they've gone back down.) Jack tells Kelly that this girl just came up at sat in his friend's lap, and she should just ignore it because she might have fun being a bitch, but they're just trying to have fun too, so "back the fuck off." So Kelly then does start yelling at the random girl and yelling, "It's my birthday!" Jack says to get them out of there now. He then apologizes to the girl. She says she got a little "wet" from Kelly (I guess Kelly spit her drink or something) but that it's okay. Kelly looks like a complete douche.

Upstairs. Sharon talks to the adults about how Kelly is out of order with her green truck driver's hat on. She jokingly calls it "quite stunning." Sharon says Kelly thinks she's Sarah tonight. Bad Nanny agrees, saying that it's frightening her. Sarah comes in and says, "All I did was get in a fight in the elevator with a bitch. Whatever." God. Sarah has no control. Sharon should slap the shit out of her. Sharon says they don't want to get kicked out. Sarah says she doesn't want to fight, but she will. She then walks off saying that "this is fucking bullshit." Bad Nanny hates Sarah -- the look on her face is funny. Sharon smiles and says, "Well, this was an end to a lovely evening." Man, Sarah should not cross Sharon. I think Sarah is going to go missing soon, never to be found. Chillin' with Big Pussy.

Sharon and Ozzy walk through the lobby. On the short bus, they wait for Dill. Jack talks to him on the phone, scratching his head Dill-style the whole time. Man, both Jack and Kelly are turning into their respective drunk asshole friends. How sad. Jack keeps saying they're going to miss their plane but, uh, isn't it a charter? How can they "miss" that? Dill arrives, trying to be goofy and faux-apologizing. Jack says they waited for six hours for Dill. I hope he's exaggerating.

We get flashbacks, Sharon saying that they'll just go for a few shows to have fun. Jack says his friend had six Penthouse chicks. The boys watching Teletubbies. Kelly yelling four different times, "It's my birthday!" The plane flying. And that's it. Wow. All those fucking kids, the friends too: spoiled fucking asshole rich shithead brat fuckers. That's all I have to say about that.

Next time. Ozzy and Sharon renew their vows at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Justin Timberlake is there. Marilyn Manson. Son Ozzy Hates is there. Kelly yells that Sharon isn't even really half Jewish and she's having a rabbi. Ozzy says Sharon isn't Jewish: "She has crucifixes coming out of her ass." Well, maybe that's part of the reason she got sick back there. Sharon tells Kelly that Ozzy isn't Jewish, but he's "circumcised" -- which the captioners somehow mishear as "under the circumstances." What? Gay Dad walks Sharon down the hall. Ozzy jokes with the rabbi about wine. Sharon tells us they didn't sleep together on their wedding night because Ozzy collapsed in the hallway. Ozzy drinks. Ozzy drinks. Ozzy keeps kissing Marilyn Manson, not letting him go. Finally, Marilyn yells, "Sharon! Help!" Hee.

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The Osbournes

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