The Osbournes
What A Boy Wants

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!

House. Night. Jack's room. Hangers-on. They talk about how there are two cabs full of girls coming over. Nice.

Downstairs. Kelly is leaving, and Sharon asks where she's going. Kelly says she's going to get raped in a back alley and do crack. That's so weird -- that's what I did last night. She adds that she's going to a club but doesn't know the name of it. Sharon asks to come along and Kelly really wants her to -- Sharon says she'll come out on Friday for Jack's birthday. Kelly scrunches up her face into an immediate scowl whenever she gets a chance. It's so bratty it's almost endearing. Almost. Kelly suddenly starts talking about what to get Jack for his birthday. He'll just lose jewelry, he has all the computer games, he won't wear clothes she buys, and he can't drive or she'd buy him a car. A car!? Jesus. My sister forgot my birthday this year...and Kelly's considering buying her brother a car. Man, I need a new sister. (Just kidding. Love you!) Sharon goes all Mom on her, trying to get her to wear a coat. Kelly says, "I'm sexy! Sort of." Someone puts a coat on Kelly and she leaves, as Lola licks Sharon.

Bed. Ozzy and Sharon watch Access Hollywood. At first, Nelly is rapping. Then a story comes on about the Kelly/Xtina feud and how Kelly made fun of Xtina's Christmas CD and then called her "one of the most disgusting human beings in the entire world." And Kelly said, "I've seen drag queens who look better." Ha. Now that's pretty funny. Ozzy says, "You're fucking kidding me."

Jack's room. He's on the phone talking about a night he just had out where he was being anti-social at the bar and Xtina called him over so he went and sat down with her. Why does this kid even get to go to bars? I'm retroactively pissed that I had to steal beer and shoulder-tap and drink it in a park when I was younger. That's bullshit.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Kelly is bitching about Jack and how disgusting he is. She vows to get Jack back. "Why her?" she adds.

Jack adds that he danced with Xtina, and Kelly yells into his room that she doesn't like him anymore. Jack asks the person on the phone to hold on and he yells for Kelly to suck his something something something. "Suck your own ball, Jack," Kelly says. Hee. And commercials.

I just leaned over and told my cat to suck her own ball, and she stared at me for the longest time, actually looking really offended. Try it some time. It's fun. Back. House. Jack is explaining to Bad Nanny that Kelly is pissed at him that he saw Xtina. Bad Nanny says he should defend his sister. He says that Xtina wasn't saying anything bad about Kelly for him to refute. Kelly comes in wearing a fucking tiara, terrible glasses, and dressed like a nine-year-old otherwise. Xtina said she didn't know why Kelly had a beef with her, and Kelly goes, "Hmmmm. Let's think." (No, but seriously, Kelly has no reason.) She jumps to saying that she would hate anyone Jack hated. Jack tries to say that Xtina had nice things to say about Kelly and Kelly calls him a douchebag. Jack says that he "hell yeah" danced with Xtina, but that he didn't kiss her. Kelly calls him "disgusting." "Kelly, you wanna leave my room," Jack says about five times really fast. Kelly then demonstrates how Xtina was dancing by rubbing herself on Jack's ass. Kelly says that Jack is a douchebag (again! A double douche!) and that she always sticks up for him. Robert is there too, and there is a lot of yelling and then Jack starts just laying out the curses -- the "fuck"s and "cunt"s and "bitch"es and "fuck"s again -- telling Kelly to leave his room. Yikes. How do you control these kids? I guess you can't. Even if you sent them to their rooms, it's like Chuck E. Cheese in there. That's no punishment.

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The Osbournes




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