The Osbournes
Won't You Be My Neighbor?

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A Rich English Snot Is A Person In Your Neighborhood

The ratings are great. Ozzy's album is climbing back up the charts. People are running around asking their misbehaving pets, "Why do you do it? What's the deal, man?" And Stee finally has a good show to recap. Things are good. Things are real good. Let's launch right in.

Ozzy and Jack are at KROQ, doing a radio show. Ozzy starts talking about Pat Boone to the goofy DJ. (Man, radio DJs are just the worst fucking people. Ninety percent tools, I would say.) Ozzy says that everyone thinks Boone is a nerd and he used to think so too, but he's a great guy; they used to live next door to Boone. He goes on that living next to himself (Ozzy), bricks go flying and cats run in and out, and Pat Boone never once complained. I think judging a neighbor by that criterion is sort of shitty. Ozzy is basically saying that Pat Boone is a great guy simply because he took all of the shit Ozzy and his crazy family dished out. By that measure, for me to be a great guy, I should accept my retard neighbor blasting the same Madonna album day and night with his door open and screaming. Uh-uh, Ozzy. Ain't gonna happen.

Opening credits. In the forums, someone discovered that the version of "Crazy Train" is not Pat Boone's as thought, but someone else's. There you go.

First segment. "Won't You Be My Neighbor." Two forty-something blonde women, very Beverly Hills, replete with tucks and nips and the blonde carefully-coifed hair of a twenty-year-old, stand talking to the reluctant but polite Sharon in the Osbournes' driveway. Sharon asks them where they live from here (they're obviously out jogging or speed-walking or something, trying to hold onto their figures so once they finally get up the courage to divorce their either gay or cheating [or both!] CAA-agent husbands, they'll not only have half his money, but be able to easily land another man) and they tell us inadvertently sort of where Ozzy lives. One of the women lives on Cherokee, they say, explaining that they walk down Carla Ridge and loop down, about four miles, to their houses. It takes an hour and a half. (Obviously they're walking, unless they're doing twenty-three-minute miles.) Then Michael the security guard pipes up that he sees the women all the time. Sharon says she does too. (I like to think Michael was bored and pulled his gun and made them come in and talk to Sharon, pretending they were trespassing or something.) They all talk about how they've been inside the corner house, which leads me to believe it's abandoned or at least empty or something. They all laugh. Sharon wants to go back inside, but is being nice.

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The Osbournes

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