The Osbournes
Won't You Be My Neighbor?

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A Rich English Snot Is A Person In Your Neighborhood

The more gregarious of the women -- the other just gives a snotty-bitch look with the obligatory faux-friendly smile -- says that they just wanted to say hi and that every night they "say hello to the…" and they so want to say "black guy," but Sharon saves them and says, as if he's a pet, "Michaelllllll." Michael smiles like he's watching Leno. The "girls" ask Sharon to walk with them sometime, and she says that she "should," meaning she never will, and then the bitchy one says that she told Michael they were Undercover Security and Michael asked to see I.D. and she said that she would no longer be undercover then! They all "laugh." Michael so wants to fucking shoot them both…and then go inside and take a hot tub with Kelly. The lead lady tries to extend the stay by saying that she loves the trees Sharon has, and then goes on when there is no reaction that she has some at her place, adding that her yard is much bigger. Hee. She knows she fucked up, so she bails quickly; Sharon lies that she'll come walk with them sometime. Michael adds, "You ladies have a good walk," thinking, "Bitches, I could have killed you."

Now, out on the street, the ladies camera-talk -- the bitchy one simply staring into the lens trying to make love to the camera, since she hasn't made love to anything but the pool boy in three years -- about how it was "sweet" that Sharon came and talked to them. I guess the camera crew informs the ladies as to who lives there and they go, "Ozzy Osbourne…" and the bitchy one asks if he used to eat raw meat and throw raw meat into the crowd. She keeps repeating, "Raw meat…" like she needs some bad. She continues, "Doing wild things…killing animals…oh, god…acid rock…" and all the surgery and peels and therapy and hold-it-together mantras -- the intricately-constructed fictions she's created about her life in order to mask the pain -- begin to unravel just like that, right in front of our eyes. She desperately turns to her more gregarious and together friend: "Boy, I'm really dating myself." A sad stare. The friend is already mentally removing her phone number from her Palm Pilot. (Meanwhile, Sharon, on a different night, wearing a different outfit, walks inside with the cat and Lola.) "Boy, this really puts age on us," the leader replies. No, honey. Years passing with unfulfilled dreams and unrealized goals puts age on you.

Inside. Ozzy sits and asks the obviously pissed Kelly what's wrong. He gets up and follows her, asking if he's done something. She then explains that Aimee did it -- that she just got a call from some woman telling her how she should "prepare [her] vagina" for her gyno appointment. Kelly is having a wobbler, huffing that Aimee booked her a gynecologist appointment. "Tell her to book me a gynecologist appointment! I wouldn't mind," offers Ozzy, trying to help. Hee. Kelly says that she's out of her fucking mind, Aimee is -- that it's none of her business. Ozzy says that it's none of his business either and that he doesn't have a gynecologist, thank god. Melinda laughs at Ozzy's nonsense, bless her heart, but I suppose that's a big part of what she's paid for…as she sure as hell isn't doing much to rein in the kids. Man, Kelly is in full-on snit mode. Ozzy says he'll go for Kelly, that he'll put on a dress. Melinda grabs him too familiarly for my taste and giggles, "You're so funny, Ozzy." Ew! Some fucking Poison Ivy shit going on right here. Ozzy thinks it's a practical joke, but Kelly says that Aimee was going to get her a dentist and a new car, as well as a gynecologist. She goes on, "Aimee. My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business." Fuck I am woman hear me roar!, My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business should be the new women's rights slogan. Ozzy says that she just needs to say, "Fuck off!" when the "vagina doctor" (hee!) calls, and say, "What kind of (beep) do you think I am?" Kelly goes on that now they stick a finger up your asshole, and "no one is sticking a finger up [her] asshole." Ozzy so wants to say that it can be really nice under the right circumstances -- and so does Melinda -- but they keep their mouths shut. Son Ozzy Hates is there too -- I don't remember his name. He kind looks like that singer from Staind. Ozzy makes a proctologist joke but no one laughs, and then asks Kelly if she learned about this from Sharon. No, it was Melinda. Melinda starts saying that she forgot about it and at the time she told Aimee it was a bad idea and Kelly wouldn't go anyway. Liar. Lying, husband-coveting nanny.

Now Kelly says there is no reason for her to go, and Ozzy starts frowning and half-playing, "You haven't been messing?" He claims that she brought it up, and she squeals and goes into the kitchen. Ozzy follows her: "Why would she think you need a gynecologist?" Kelly explains that Aimee goes every month, and Ozzy still says that Aimee must have a reason to think Kelly should go. Kelly tries to explain, and Melinda says she goes to one, and Ozzy keeps asking if Kelly's been messing with boys, and she giggles and says no, and Ozzy wonders why she's smiling (she obviously has no experience, because she still giggles like she's ten when the subject of boys comes up), and she walks away. Ozzy says that he's her father, and then adds that no boys better be messing with Kelly or -- and he picks up a big cooking utensil -- they'll get "this" shoved up their ass. Ozzy won't let it go and says, "Listen, there's got to be something more to the story," and Kelly says she's had one urinary tract infection and then goes, about Aimee, "She's bored!" Ozzy still thinks there's more to the story, and Melinda pipes up that there's not. Ozzy says that he wouldn't book Son He Hates to see a "cock doctor." Melinda says there is nothing wrong with Kelly, and then Ozzy says that she has a smile on her face and what is she doing? Ozzy thinks she's pregnant and is freaking out, running around, thinking she's been playing Doctors and Nurses. He finally sits down, and Son He Hates asks if Ozzy had been laid by the time he was seventeen. "I was laid by the time I was fucking twelve!" Ozzy goes back at it and says that Melinda is only sticking up for Kelly because she's a woman. He says if it's not true, Kelly shouldn't let it bother her, then. Kelly then says, about Aimee, "Well, I'm going to book her for a fucking breath test then because her breath smells like shit all the time." Hee. She walks away. Ozzy sighs, tired and defeated. "Beam me up, Scotty." Heeeeee.

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The Osbournes




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