The Osbournes
Won't You Be My Neighbor?

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A Rich English Snot Is A Person In Your Neighborhood

Whistling Music plays as The Bev Hills Walking Twins cruise by the house -- exercising in jewelry and designer workout wear, mind you.

Inside the house, Ozzy takes out the trash. In the outside garbage alcove, Ozzy searches for space inside the numerous trash bins (man, this family generates a lot of garbage). Ozzy dodders past an outside table on DefCon 5 Garbage Alert and picks something up, but then realizes it's a skull candle and it's supposed to be there, so he puts it back down. Inside, Ozzy picks up a piece of garbage and opens the garbage drawer and realizes he just emptied the garbage so there are no bags in the cans! He goes to the other garbage drawer, ten feet away. D'oh! Also no bags. "What's the deal, man!?" he seems to be screaming inside, as he then has to find bags and, dropping one first, put them on the cans. After this Ozzy is going to need a huge nap. But seriously, who else could be so fucking entertaining just taking out the garbage? No one, I say. Well, maybe, like, Katharine Hepburn or something, but it would be close.

Sharon takes old spaghetti out of the sink and jokingly hands it to Jack. Jack leans over and takes a bite, desperate to please and entertain. Sharon says that's disgusting, very happy to have a son who is so desperate to please and entertain. Jack then says that they should get Pat Boone back as a neighbor. Sharon fondly remembers Boone as the best neighbor ever. (The property value of the house next door to Pat Boone just went up exponentially.) They didn't realize how lucky they had it until they got the neighbors from hell that they have now. Sharon goes on that she never knew anyone so fucking noisy in her life. Sharon is doing dishes, by the way. And Ozzy is taking out the garbage. Are they suddenly poor? "I thought we were bad, Jack."

Shot of downtown, for some reason. Bad music is pumping from next door. Ozzy dodders through the kitchen. "What's this?" "Oh," says Sharon. "Girl from Ipanema." It's a different night, and Sharon is doing dishes once again. Oh my god, they're totally poor! The Fam is all here, and Kelly asks why "those bastards" never came over; she thinks they're afraid of Sharon. (I sure am.) Ozzy, rocking his Adidas t-shirt again, says that he's not party to everything, but they don't own the fucking street. Sharon says he doesn't get it. Ozzy rants on that he's tried to be a nice fucking neighborly person…and he unleashes a mumbly tirade of curses, reprisals, and threats, saying that he'll throw shit over the fence and he doesn't give fuck-all. And during all this, the most terrifying part of Ozzy all pissed off is that, as he's cutting cheese (hee) and making a sandwich and yelling, there is a line of drool (or sweat, but drool is funnier) on his chin threatening to succumb to gravity and give the sandwich that extra special something at any moment. He says that he'll throw pig guts over there and that the war is on. Jack agrees, "War's on." Sharon recounts again how she called the neighbor a little rich man and told Lead Wanker to run get more money from Daddy. She goes on that he didn't say a word when she said that; he didn't defend himself or say what he indeed does do for a living. Ozzy, cutting bread with a big knife (Ozzy with a knife is scary, both in the eighties and now, but for totally different reasons), says that they have to enact some "reprisals." He goes on, "If they want a fucking war, we'll give them one." And the drool/sweat falls! Yeah! He says he'll get a pig's head from the butcher. "That'll fuck 'em up." Ozzy then looks to his only friend and ally, the cameraman, and we freeze, then head to commercials.

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The Osbournes




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