The Osbournes
Won't You Be My Neighbor?

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A Rich English Snot Is A Person In Your Neighborhood

Night. The Bev Hills Walking Twins. They say, "It's a beautiful neighborhood. It's a very peaceful neighborhood." Uh-oh. Sharon feeds one of the dogs from her plate inside. Then a noise, and barking! Jack comes in having a fucking conniption fit. "They have a guitar and they're all singing!" he says. He motions for Mommy to follow and runs outside, first yelling at a few yipping dogs blocking his way. Jack stands on a fountain as Sharon comes outside. "Listen to them," Sharon says, and bobs and dances to the terrible, awful singing; at least five or six people sing "My Girl," along with a guitar. "Oh fucking hell!" says Sharon, horrified at how bad it is. The singing really is awful.

Now Jack stands in some outside room area and tells us that he's about to play death metal from Norway. He plays it. It's loud and screamy. Sharon is dancing to the death metal and dogs are running. Meanwhile, inside, Ozzy is sleeping on a couch, snoring through it all, and though it's probably faked, it's still funny.

Oops. Kelly comes running out, obviously pissed and freaking out because of the death metal. "I don't care, I'm sleeping! Turn it off!" she yells. Jack says that she's not sleeping. Well, not now, you fucker. Kelly runs in her Paul Frank PJs and yells for her mom to turn it off -- full-on wobbler time. The neighbors can now be heard singing, "He's Got The Whole World In His Hand." Yuck. (This reminds me of a woman I know, a successful film director who lived in the Hollywood Hills in the same pad for twenty-five years. She moved when Hanson's manager moved into the house just up the hill and would blast Hanson day and night. She said that if it was Danzig or Metallica, no problem, but Hanson, she just wasn't strong enough for that.) A cat goes running. Sharon is pissed. Jack is playing music again. Jack yells over the fence that he has to get up very early in the morning. The Wankers yell back that he should get to bed then. Assholes. He says that he's been trying to get to fucking bed, but they're singing "I've Got The Whole World In My Fucking Hand," which is a much better version. Some American Douchebag yells over that if Jack doesn't like that song, would he like something else? That guy. Kill that guy. Fucking shithole. Jack and Kelly yell in tandem, "I'd rather you shut the fuck up!" (You know, this is all on tape, in case the Osbournes want to take them to court. Oh yeah, so is all of what's about to happen, which doesn't look so good for them. Never mind.) Someone tells Jack to Chill Out, and he asks if they're going to come beat him up, and they say something about how he's not being very mature, and he mocks them and someone yells, "Listen…" and Jack says he's not listening to them. There's someone else with Jack, but I can't tell who it is. Oh, I see, they've driven around the front of that house or to the other side or something. Jack calls them "silly fucks" and yells for them to shove their acoustic guitar up their holes as he heads with the Unknown Friend to the car. They say that they'll sing Jack a lullaby. What assholes.

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The Osbournes




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