The Practice
Bay Of Pigs

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Bay Of Pigs

Lindsay's insipid voice says: "Previously on The Practice." Bobby and Richard "The Runt" Bay are arguing in court. The scene sees The Runt (tm deborah) going off on a tangent about the not-so-ethical ways his opponent uses to free his clients. Bobby makes some crack about The Runt having a Napoleon complex: "Res Ipsa Pipsqueak." Quick cut to The Runt fawning all over Helen. He professes his infatuation for Helen, she spits out her drink, he raves about her, umm, qualities: "You're smart, sexy and I totally go for it -- the whole package." Helen "Mankiller" Gamble shuts him down. Then they show the whole clip of the detectives busting into Jimmy's house, where his very naked girlfriend Judge Kittleson is waiting. Oh, wait, we saw that last year on Ally McBeal. In fact, we've seen a lot of this plot-switching lately. Do you think DEK's imagination is running out of steam? ["Does shit smell?" -- deborah]

The lawyers are walking through the offices of The Firm. Bobby asks how long Ellenor thinks a case will take. "Three, four days, tops," she replies, "there aren't many witnesses." Mid-sentence, The Runt busts into The Firm (he's wearing a raincoat that sort of floats behind him like a Batman cape) and doesn't close the door behind him. Goodness. "What?" The Runt says as he surveys the room, "People don't greet people when they come through the door here?" Ellenor gives him the big ol' stink-eye and says, "'What do you want?' How was that?" And she walks steadily away. "Ellenor," he stops her, "our complaining witness isn't doing so well. He's at Mass General awaiting a donor heart. The doctor's don't expect him to last much longer." The Runt wants to introduce a video deposition at trial instead of having a normal deposition either in court or in the offices of The Firm. Looking up at the other lawyers, he says, "And I'm assuming you'll agree." Eugene jumps in, saying that Richard certainly has that wrong; Ellenor concurs: "If you can't get your witness to trial, Richard, that's not our problem." The Runt is astounded: "The man is on his deathbed." Ellenor sympathizes that he's not well, but she also wants The Runt to understand that they aren't going to make it easier for the chief prosecutorial witness to put their client away. They bicker a little while. The Runt accuses Ellenor of being indecent. She snaps back that she's not about to facilitate an attempted murder conviction. Cue Runt histrionics: "I'm only talking about a deposition. I suppose I can't expect you people to be decent or humane. You think you're heroes, playing a part in the criminal justice system, the crusaders against oppression, well, it might have started out that way but look at you now. The day-to-day stench of your clients has rubbed off and you are every bit as vile and contaminated as the murderers and rapists that you defend." And on. And on. He calls them repugnant animals, states that they are the opposite of everything that is good and fair in the United States, and just when you take a deep breath because you think his ridiculous tirade is over, he throws in a little "if there is a God he will certainly get you, you sleazy, cancerous infected, malignant grotesque snakes." ["Geez, take a freaking pill." -- deborah] The Runt turns on his self-aggrandized heels and slams the door. Which signals the credits. Which signals the first commercial break.

Richard is sitting at his desk. Helen "Stone Cold" Gamble is giving him a pep talk. She says he's going to die an early death if he doesn't calm down. ["We can only hope." -- deborah] Richard "The Agitated" Bay claims that the partners of DYD&F "get to" him. Helen sighs, sits on his desk, and explains: "They're defense attorneys." As if that's all the explanation the situation needed. The Runt goes off on the whole witness-on-his-deathbed-what-scum tirade again, calls them some more names, because he's so-o mature dealing with his anger by calling people names. He might as well be in grade two. Helen encourages him just to go to court and get the order to have the deposition taken in the hospital. "Who's the judge?" she inquires. "Kittleson," he snipes back, "and I hate her too." Why? Because Kittleson could have defended him when Raymond Oz called him a midget. And she too almost called him a midget in open court -- she caught herself -- but he hates her nonetheless. Helen's wearing all gray and her hair is ripped back into a ponytail. Her face looks like it's been ironed and then made up. ["Snerk!" -- deborah] Her hair turns her face into a walking facelift. I'm surprised she can actually speak, her hair's pulled back so severely. "Richard, you're about ready to start an attempted murder case. If you go in there hating the defense attorneys and the judge, you're going to end up being defeated by your own anger. Now, go to court, get the order to take the video depo and take it from there." He doesn't look convinced.

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