Lollipop waxes non-philosophical
Keanu Reeves graces the cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair. His tagline gracefully claims there's more to the actor than "sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll." Who cares at this point; Reeves hasn't made a solid movie in years, despite the legions of fans dedicated to his good looks and horrible band. ["Hey, step off of Devil's Advocate. Just kidding." -- Sars] The most interesting thing about the cover would have to be the fact that Lara Flynn Boyle, the second Hollywood-ite to be interviewed, isn't on it. In fact, I chuckled as I read the tagline: "LFB: Why isn't she on the cover? Her publicist is on the phone, and it's not like Keanu is Jack Nicholson's girlfriend." Vanity Fair receives immediate points for irony, wit and, well, for not putting a scantily-clad, half-dressed and fully starved television actress on its cover. In fact, what has Lara Flynn Boyle ever done to deserve the cover of a reputable rag like Vanity Fair? She's a mediocre television actress with the good sense to hook up with Hollywood royalty. Lord knows her publicity machine wasn't working overdrive before she started sleeping with Jack Nicholson, and it'll most certainly stop when the "hottest" relationship in LA burns out. ["I thought they broke up ages ago anyway. When did this article get commissioned, 1998?" -- Sars]
But the February 2001 issue quickly loses the points it has gained by displaying a semi-naked Boyle on the contents page. The actress is wearing a leather bathing suit that must have crawled off the set of Barbarella in 1968, waiting for a particularly special moment in which to reappear. The caption beside the picture reads, "Twin Peaks." A double entendre referring both to the fact that Boyle is "peeping" through a pair of binoculars and, well, showing off her non-existent breasts. ["And to her role on the show of the same name. Okay, I'll stop interjecting now. Maybe." -- Sars] The article is entitled: "The Call of The Wild." I'm assuming they've named the piece as such because Boyle's reputation precedes her. Because Boyle is a "bad girl." Because Boyle is one to "break the rules." Now, what rules would those be? Flaunting your semi-star status by bedding a man twice your age? By joining the ceaselessly popular trend wherein mediocre actresses make the aging Hollywood actors feel young again? Wow! The stereotypes are crashing around me as we speak. Not. And my skin is crawling. I'm grossed out by the sight of her skin, which is stretched so tightly over her bones that you'd think said bones were looking for an escape route right out of her body. Yeah, that and the fact that anyone who says "Call of the Wild" with a straight face must be joking.