Side Room. Lindsay "Immortal Befuddled" Dole sighs, "Well. You got your wish, William. After watching that last portion of the tape, I'm sure everyone thinks you did it, including the jury." Shackles on the table, and with an honest-to-goodness straight face, William replies, "Other than lying to me, the two of you have tried a good case. You should be proud of yourself." Jimmy sits down and asks the man if he truly appreciates where he'll be going. Hinks: "In this life or the next." Always thrown the Catholicism references, that Jimmy -- he always gets the religious mentions. Does he just breathe sexually repressed right-winged man? Jimmy is trying to convince Hinks that when he ends up in prison, where inmates have "special" feelings for men who murder lots and lots of women, he might not want to be there. Without blinking his bug eyes, Hinks again insists that he wants to testify.
The Firm. Bobby "Tao of Rod" Donnell, along with the rest of the Firm, is being updated on Lindsay's trial. She explains that Prosecution Mountain really has no evidence, aside from some car tracks and the fact that Hinks has no alibi. "Big deal." She claims, "He says that himself." Eugene wants to know if they are winning or losing. Lindsay then explains that losing is victory to the client. "Then why is he testifying?" The Emperor raises his hands, ignores his wife as she is about to reply, and cries, "Hosanna in the highest!" Then blesses his flock with a wave of his hands. Or ragdoll just made that up because she couldn't actually see The Emperor's hands, because they were hidden behind the fake poinsettia decorated with fake snow so gloriously gracing the middle of the conference table. But you know his hands have to be moving. You pick what they're doing. It's Choose Your Own Recap today. If I had my wish, I would have chosen the chapter that takes you all the way to the end. The "Quick and Painless" ending. We repeat, "Why is he testifying, exactly?"
Hinks: "Because if my soul has any chance at redemption, I must make a full confession." Courtroom. The next day. Goodness, apparently William "Sick, But Not Sick Enough" Hinks believes that God would like him to be open and unashamed with his evil. Lindsay brings up some technical details, something about a victim with cancer wearing a wig that he didn't notice and something about latex gloves being thrown into the fire. Hinks rebuts everything Lindsay says with smart, even cheeky answers. She inquires after the fingernails: "What happened to them?" He refuses to tell. Lindsay taunts him about the whole "soul confession" angle. He still refuses; he'll take that information to his grave. Then she moves on to the fact that the fifth victim's fingernails were not removed despite Hinks's claim he removed them. Hinks: "So I forgot. It was four victims ago. They blend." Heh. Lindsay continues to dance for a while, tries to trip Hinks up, and then suggests there was a tenth murder. A case the police only thought might have been the work of the Immaculate Decapitator: "Her fingernails were also pulled out, limbs and head amputated. Your work, Mr. Hinks?" The Prosecution Mountain attempts to overrule Lindsay's question. The judge smacks him down. Eventually, after Lindsay badgers Hinks into admitting to a tenth murder, she says, "Funny. I made it up." The Swell Of Superior Minds fills the room. Jeannie leans forward, again. Lindsay barks on and on about Hinks being a fraud. He claims he killed them. He cries again, "I did it!" Lindsay calls him a pathetic little man. "I'm famous!" he screams. "You see my pictures in the paper, and on the news because I did it!" He's still yelling as Judge White tells him to simmer down, but to no avail: "I killed them and you can't take that away!" Lindsay stares him down. He mutters, "You can't. You can't." Then she says, "Okay, Mr. Hinks. You win." The piano tweaks. The violins trill into action. The Prosecution Mountain gets up: "Forgive me, Mr. Hinks. I was trying to decide whose performance was better here -- yours or Ms. Dole's." Lindsay objects. Judge White sustains. The Prosecution Mountain sits back down, in time with the piano trudging on behind him, and says, "I have nothing for Mr. Hinks." Jimmy leans in towards Lindsay and whispers, "I think maybe we've won." My lord, do they ever know how to make a moment last a lifetime on this damn show. Get on with it already.