The Practice
Poor Richard's Almanac

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Evil comes out on top

Jackie’s been in the witness room so many times during this episode that they’re going to dedicate it to him. He’ll be present at a big naming ceremony and cut a lovely red ribbon with some oversized shears. “How do I not testify?” The client asks for answers. The lawyers tell him he can if he wants to. Ellenor reminds him that if he does testify, all Jackie’s priors will be impeached. And besides, what can he really say? Jackie says he’ll tell the jury the witness was wrong. Oh, good, that’ll work, especially with that whole perjury issue just flying out the window because it feels like walking in the fresh spring air. Right. Good thinking, Jackie. Both Bobby and Ellenor think that Jackie’s testimony would only hinder their case and bolster the witness’s testimony. Jackie walks over to the window and back again: “Okay. Get me a meeting with Bay.” Rod wants to know why. “I want to re-open the plea bargain.” Bobby doesn’t know if a plea is possible this late in the game, so he tries to put Jackie off, but Jackie's not having it -- he wants to meet with the DA himself.

The Meeting With Jackie To Discuss The Pain. Richard fixes his tie and scrambles along beside Helen as he asks, “He’s in the witness room?” Helen plays nursemaid for a minute, pretends she’s in bed with Nicholson, and tells Richard he’s sweating like a pig. She’s a bad girl. He’s fine. In they go. Jackie is sitting at the head of the table, Ellenor is seated to his left, and Rod is standing on his right. Jackie’s hands are clasped in front of him. As Helen asks what the hell the meeting is about, Bobby’s hands buzz around his client’s head. Rod says that Jackie wants to re-open the plea negotiation. Helen snaps, “Why? Are you not feeling confident, Mr. Cahill?” Then he starts in with the mind games, blah dee Helen’s sexy blah, blah does she know that blah, he could throw her on the table and have sex with her blah, any interest blah. Well, after typing that, I feel the need to shower. Ew. Richard grimaces, but Helen’s cool as a cucumber; she opens the door and calls the guard in to handcuff Jackie to the chair. I’m surprised that Ellenor and Bobby don’t call off this crap, but I guess they have no choice but to sit back and listen to this ridiculous idiot ramble on about shagging the DA. Then Jackie turns to Richard, who offers forty years. Bobby argues the merits. Richard sticks to his guns. Jackie quips, “This little prick doesn’t even think I’m guilty.” Finally, Ellenor chastises him, but that doesn’t stop Jackie’s mouth from running away from him: “If he really thought I killed two people, what did he think I’d do to him if he convicts me?” Oh, so dude called the meeting so he could threaten Richard in public. Yeah, there’s smarts for you; there’s four witnesses that can now testify to his actions. Idiot. The Theme Of Threatening Mini-Thugs clamours on about how Richard must really think he’s innocent to have the balls to come into the room. Bobby tells him to shut up. Ellenor tells him to shut up. Hell, even I scream at the television for him to shut up. And yet the posturing continues. Helen stands up for the DA’s office: “You think you scare us, Mr. Cahill?” Jackie retorts, “You, me and this table. Five minutes.” Oh. She’s shaking in her boots now. Jackie’s, like, half the size of her and he looks like Barney Rubble. Richard turns to Helen and says, “Let’s go.” The two of them leave. Well, that did nothing except make Bobby mad. He sits down and yells, “How stupid are you? Saying that in front of him?” Jackie explains quietly that he was talking to his lawyer -- attorney-client privilege, the total defense for the stupid on this show. Bobby screams something about threatening the DA and about how Bay could still add charges. Jackie seems confident that he won’t, though, because he knows when a guy is scared. He thinks his little mind jerk will throw Richard off for his closing. Jackie has some skewed logic, blah prosecutors are only working for the DA’s office because they can’t find real work, blah they don’t care about winning, blah if Richard thinks he’ll pay a real price blah, he’ll think twice. Um. Yeah. Crackpot. Bobby whispers, “Listen to me. Are you going to do something to him if you lose here?” Jackie doesn’t admit anything, but he does say that Richard has to think that he will. Ellenor: “Why?” Jackie: “Because it’s my only chance.” Oh, please. Someone, please stop the continuity police; they’re threatening to arrest DEK for obstruction of believability.

Richard’s Office Where They Discuss Jackie’s Insane Amounts Of Pain. Helen says she’ll close. Richard says he’ll be fine. She claims he’s “rattled.” He’s fine. He’s prepared and he’ll do the closing. Richard won’t let Jackie intimidate him. Helen says the Runt “doesn’t have to be the hero here.” He doesn’t have to hold out until the end of the night. He doesn’t want to be free or want to be right; he just wants to hold out into the night. He’s holding out for a hero. Then Kevin Bacon does a little dance in some sawdust. Oh, sorry, wrong recap. Richard claims it’s not about being a hero. It’s about being himself -- this is what he is, he’s a DA, and if he starts letting defendants scare him then what is he? Helen guesses he’d be human. Richard doesn’t fall for it; he’s prepared, he's ready, and he’ll close.

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The Practice

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