Season 19 is in Samoa, where the coastlines are ragged and the waves are big and the waterfalls are tall. Watertalls, if you will. They're also much more interesting than our newest batch of contestants, who are either on the purple (Galu) or the yellow (Foa Foa) tribe. Before they speak to each other, they're asked to vote for a tribe leader based on appearances. Galu's votes are between Russell, who is tall and a man, and Shambo, who is a woman with a mullet. Apparently, there are some people on Galu with a great sense of humor. Not the majority of them, however, as Russell gets the most votes. On Foa Foa, the votes go to their tall man, Mick the hunky doctor. The leaders are told to choose a swimmer, strong person, agile person, and smart person from their tribe to compete in the reward challenge. Foa Foa wins it and gets fire and a good start in the game. Galu can't even get a shelter built without pissing Shambo off, but by the time the immunity challenge happens, they've pulled together enough to win it. Foa Foa also has a Russell, but this one really wants us to think he's so awesome and the most evil contestant ever, so he does terrible things like empty his tribemates' canteens and burn their socks. Also, he thinks girls are stupid. When one of the stupid girls (Marisa) dares to say that she doesn't trust him because he's obviously strategizing with everyone else, he immediately sets about urging the rest of the tribe to vote her out. It's the path of least resistance, and seven out of ten of them follow it.
Survivor is back and I still don't have an HDTV to take full advantage of it! Thus I will miss out on some of the beauty of Samoa. It's not American Samoa, either. It's original flavor Samoa. And there's original flavor Probst, telling us that Samoa is one of the most isolated islands in the world. Yeah, Probst? It's called Tristan da Cunha. I think it's pretty safe to say that any truly isolated island in the world wouldn't be readily accessible by the Survivor crew. That's what makes an island isolated. Tristan da Cunha, for instance, has no airport or landing strip or even a harbor for ships. Probst claims that Samoa is "virtually untouched by civilization" which is a shame if it's true (which it isn't) because I'd hate to think that its first encounter with civilization is this TV show.
And here come our twenty new contestants, paddling in on their outrigger canoes in silence, as they are not allowed to talk to each other. Nevertheless, Probst promises us, first impressions are already forming. That's because one contestant has herself a sweet mullet, which really says more about a person than words ever could. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a mullet is worth a thousand pictures. That's one million words and all of them are positive. My first impression of mullet lady is that she's my favorite contestant this season. Possibly in the history of reality TV. "Dude, I'm a people magnet," she interviews; "people have gravitated to me my entire life." I'm guessing those people are hairdressers, and they're just trying to help. Mullet continues that people often think of her, "it's like, 'oh my god! This chick rocks, we love her!'" Her young attractive male tribemate (at least, they're both sporting purple buffs so I'm assuming they're in the same tribe) diplomatically says that she appears to be an outdoorswoman. I must give him credit for not stating the obvious, which is "oh my god I'm on a tribe with a crazy woman. With bad taste." Some ditzy annoying girl on the other (yellow) tribe says one guy looks "tough as nails" and she wouldn't want to mess with him. By the way, the girl who said is named Marisa and the person she was saying it of is Russell. This will be meaningful later. The tough as nails guy has a Southern accent and promises to make this experience as miserable as possible for everyone else. Go ahead and do that. Hopefully they'll vote you out sooner rather than later. Also hopefully most of your actions will take place off-camera because I really don't need another season of this show to be dominated by an unpleasant personality. I am very much looking forward to enjoying myself this year, and watching one guy antagonize others because he wants camera time is not enjoyable. Another woman on the yellow tribe says she's a police officer, and thus doesn't believe anyone. We'll see about that. Also I see that the tribes appear to be wearing clothing the same color as their buffs, which I really thought we learned our lesson about last season. Ugh. "39 days, 20 people, 1 survivor!" Probst screams as waves crash behind him. None of them knock him from his perch, though, so it's all a waste.