Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you. MTV decided to list tonight's episode of The Island as "Man and Wife" on my cable service. (Like any of these people are ever going to get married. [Shotgun weddings do not count.]) The point is, the show was mislisted, so my tifaux did not start recording at the correct time. I'm starting this weecap from minute eleven. Let me try to imagine what those first eleven minutes looked like.
Close up on a bug. Somebody pukes. Kellyanne makes crazy eyes. Dan's pants are around his ankles.
Okay, we on the same page? I open on Jenn talking to Johnny Bananas. Except for, you guys, this is like a wonderful beautiful discovery I've made. When you get airdropped into the middle of an episode (like the tequila Army airdrops in every day!) it sort of makes you feel like you have taken hallucinogenic mushrooms. I don't know if anyone else is seeing what I'm seeing, but it appears that Johnny Bananas has a star tattooed around his eye, Jenn has the blue hair of a Bratz doll, Paula has turned into a Visigoth (wearing a knock-off Hermes scarf for a skirt?), and Dunbar has begun to resemble Pink. What are they doing?!
Jenn is worrying over alliances and is telling Bananas she wants to go in on the next Face Off. Johnny interviews that he's open to letting Jenn into their alliance. Over in the house, somebody shrieks something about a pageant. So I guess that's what they're doing? They're all wearing weird "tribal" face paint. Robin and Ashli are suddenly shouting at each other. Apparently Robin called Ashli a "rookie." Even after Ashli was trying to "help [Robin] out" because she was "having a hard night." Believe me, Ashli isn't exaggerating. Robin looks like one of the elders in Paris is Burning. Ashli won't stand for being called a rookie, so she calls Robin a 30-year-old. One of the guys in the background declares the 30-year-old comment a "low blow." Yes, much like a goiter, you don't actively point such a thing out.
Commercials. Dan carries Robin out to the beach while Ashli shouts about how she won't be called a rookie. Everyone just sits around shaking their heads in slow motion because they can't believe they're too drunk to come up with a better topic for a fight. Seriously? "Don't call me a rookie?" That was old when Ev was Fresh Meat. Cut to crabs scuttling around in the dark in the trash out behind the house. Ashli interviews that she was "stumbling around in the back trying to find a place to pop a squat." While doing this, she cuts her toe on a piece of glass lying in all the trash. Aw, it's nice that these kids brought a little bit of Staten Island to Panama with them. Ashli cries while the medic cleans her cut. Robin interviews that she tried to apologize to Ashli but Ashli wouldn't accept it. "Karma's a bitch." Yes, because Karma gives a shit.