You guys? I am fully ashamed of how psyched I am that this show is back. Puerto Vallarta is the chosen paradise to be desecrated this time around, and the format is "The Gauntlet III: Rookies vs. Veterans." What is means, as always, is dumb-ass competitions, followed by voting someone's ass into a Gauntlet, followed by another dumb-ass competition, followed by CT going into a wicked-bad 'roid rage and getting kicked off the show. Eeeeeeee!
The first person we hear from as the professional MTV personalities walk down the beach and back into our lives is Beth (fucking of course), who tells us for what feels like the four millionth time that she doesn't have any friends on this show. Or anywhere else aside from the lady who performs her chemical peels, whose children Beth has put through grad school. Coral (!!) promises she's not out for blood this time, only cash. And to help make the recapping more enjoyable, I hope. Then there's "Tori" who is from Road Rules: Viewers Revenge which I didn't really watch but which I understand produced the following: a bloated Abram punching a bloated ADDam in his bloated face, and Kina getting real-time updates about how much the viewership hates her. Good times! She makes note of the "cute boys" (indeed, even I am not immune to CT's Samson mane of virile hair) and "the girls who are notorious for being bitches" (cue a priceless shot of Coral and Katie dancing around like the fabulous bitches they are). Brad (cue Sars's squeal of delight) looks a) homeless, b) ricockulously muscled up, and c) like he's ready for a few hookups of questionable discretion now that he's freshly single.
T.J. Lavin welcomes everyone to the Challenge, everybody screams, Coral shoots her first side-eye at someone, and Johanna interviews that she's now moved in with Wes. Well, that's easy. I was wondering whether I'd have to respect her even a little this season. Guess I don't. Wes is not on this Challenge, by the way, so you can stop worrying that his pale, butterfaced semi-hotness will make you question your values yet again. T.J. explains what makes a Rookie a Rookie (one previous Challenge or less) while Tyler pumps his fists and makes himself look like an ass. Diem (ugh) interviews that she and CT are still together (another question of respect answered!) and will be ready and willing to vote each other off if need be. Makes sense to me! And while we're on the subject of couples who suck both individually and as a pair, Danny and his blotchy face tell us that he and Melinda, despite being on opposite teams, still have an alliance. Obviously. What, are you saying they don't? You think you're a tough guy? You're just gonna run your mouth like that? Why don't you step outside and OW OH MY GOD MY FACE!