When you are old, your grandchildren will ask you, "Where were you on that historic night?" And they won't be talking about the night on which Barack Obama took over the airwaves -- they'll be talking about the night on which Bananas finally wiped his dirty asscrack, and Evelyn rolled her eyes and hoisted her three drunk, wheezing team members onto her own back for a final push to the finish line.
It's quite synergistic, actually. "Our country's future?" over here, and..."Ooh, our country's future?" over there. But, perhaps I'm being too hard on our Island friends. They, too, are probably just as focused on this upcoming historic election. They, just like me, probably also had falafel for dinner in honor of old Barry Hussein Whatshisface.
We open on Paula fretting over the last Face-Off. And Kenny fretting. And Bananas fretting. Dunbar tries to sidle up to Ev, talking about how he's happy that now all the "alliance" stuff is done with and he can talk to who he wants. Dunbar would be evil if he weren't so freaking incompetent.
Derrick and Bananas fret now. This is a riveting final episode with all the fretting. It's like a camera crew has come into my bedroom to find me lying awake fretting over delivering a lecture the next day. Derrick wants to start planning who's going on what boat. Bananas is reduced to acknowledging to Derrick that he'll sail with three girls if he still has his key at the end of this.
Kenny and Ev talk. Ev interviews about how suddenly popular she's gotten. Dunbar is on her side, and Kenny's up her ass. Kenny interviews that between Ev taking Dunbar's or Bananas' key, he can only help one guy, and that one guy is going to be the one who doesn't get all psychotic when you try to cuddle after fifteen shots of Jager.
Now Derrick, Kenny and Bananas fret together. Kenny tries to convince Bananas to make nice with Ev. Bananas, probably rightly, thinks that Ev is just trying to get him to grovel to her, and she'll still take his key.
Commercials. Paula thinks the best boat she could build would be her, Ev, Kenny, and Bananas. I don't know if that boat's gonna be shipshape, there, Paula. It looks pretty waterlogged to me.
Derrick interviews that if Dan wins, the alliance is in the clear. Which brings us over to Dan, who indicates that if he is allowed to unleash whatever he's got, he'll murder everyone. Derrick tells him, very slowly, that he has to stop drinking for two days to be ready for the challenge. Dan slurs that "without food, without water, I can do it. That's one thing my brain can do, is just turn off... and win." First of all, Dan, no one has asked you to go without food or water. It's the Malibu Rum they're talking about and, no, that is not "vitamin water." And secondly, you might want to try turning your brain on, just briefly, first. Bananas interviews that his fate is riding on Dan, and Dan has pretty much been wasted the entire time they've been on the Island.