Woooo! Yeeeaaaaa! Wooooooooo.......Oh, I'm so ashamed...
So apparently MTV really wanted to shake things up this year. This year (our sixteenth) they're going to make the contestants actually go crabbing for dinner instead of just getting crabs from each other. Oooh, ya burnt!
Okay, this is a weecap and I am not planning on spending hours telling you about every little dumbass shot (though please do know that I watch and love them all), but my favorite part of the little opening montage they show to prepare us for the raw rawness of stranding everyone on an island off the shore of Panama is a close-up of some fat dude thumb stroking a tiny half-inch long bug. Ooooo. He's craaaazy. So crazy... he's stroking a bug! Will he eat the bug? Wrestle the bug? Have sex with the bug? We simply don't know! Watch and find out!
We open on our own personal lost generation floating along on a boat along the (clearly developed) coast of Panama. Introductions. Tonya has moved to a town of five hundred people in Nebraska. She says that shows she cleaned her act up, I say that shows she just moved to a leper colony. TJ's there to give them all the bad news: this time around, there's no teams, not even any challenges, and they're going to be living on that remote beach right over there, which -- okay maybe I missed the part where they motored out of the harbor they were clearly just in -- but this "deserted" island appears to be about a quarter mile away from civilization. You know, like around where they usually put the garbage dump or landfill?
The introductions continue, weaving through TJ's explanation of the rules. We find out, once again, that Derrick could really "use the money." Only this time it's because he recently got married and has a baby on the way. Crickets. TJ tells them that the money to be won this year is buried on a smaller island we see in the distance behind him; the only way to get there is by building a seaworthy boat, and MTV is only supplying enough materials to make two four-person boats. I know this is a lot of unexpected math to be doing, but that means twelve people won't make it over to get the treasure. Also, apparently the US Army will be air dropping in supplies throughout the challenge. Which makes total sense, given the state of world affairs these days.
TJ sends them all overboard to swim to the island and we're off. Evelyn interviews, once again, all overly serious and earnest. Bananas shakes his head and talks about how insane they're all going to get stuck over there on the land fill. I'm suddenly struck by a panic: where will the booze come from?