I turn my back for like one minute and I miss all the lesbian drama? Life is so not fair. I'm sure tonight the A storyline is going to focus on Evan picking nits out of MJ's hair. (How I wish that sounded more unlikely than it really does, in a season that has already featured a "toenail clipping" storyline).
Fashion show! Evan explains the rules to the boys and then tells Landon directly, "Landon you have to do this." Landon must be so tired of having to pretend like he doesn't stage My Little Pony fashion shows when he's home alone. The girls will walk, the boys will judge. Mark does some Bruno-style announcing. Brittini goes first and it's not depressing at all to watch a former model undertake a serious runway walk (complete with pause at the "end" to "pose" for the "cameras") while wearing a shower curtain folded to look like Victoria's Secret angel wings on her back. Tori walks while wearing a crown she got at Burger King. Rachel walks, apparently having decided that the next lesbian stereotype she will explode is the one about dykes not getting waxed. Diem comes out and, I'm sorry. Despite myself, this girl really just made me chuckle. Her hair is a rat's nest, she's wearing some sort of dirty grey nylon body stocking underneath her bathing suit bottoms and someone has taken a bunch of branches and stuck them to her back. Tyra Banks is about to jump out of the bushes and give them all heart attacks.
Next, it's just, you know, Landon's turn. He takes the runway wearing a digital patch. Because, apparently, he is only (as in only) wearing a belt, to which packs of cigarettes have been hooked like gun holsters at his hips. Landon took some time to ponder what he should wear for the judging eyes of Mark, Brad, and Evan. And he concluded: "Nothin' but dimples. No, silly, not those ones!" He gets to the end of the runway, rips off the cigarette packs and turns on his heel with arms upraised like RuPaul wearing a feather headdress. LANDON CALL ME, YOU CONFUSED CONFECTION YOU!
Later that night, Evan asks MJ to tuck him in like he does his daughter Bella. Evan grins like a zygote as MJ pulls the covers up and strokes his head. Over in another room, Tori is again NOT helping explode any stereotypes about straight white women who are "ready to settle down." I do love how willing she is to just put it out there, though, you know, how we look when arguing with our no-good men while wearing stretchy pants and face-washing headbands. So Tori is a little concerned that Brad doesn't have a real job at home. Perhaps it is hard to hold down a real job when you are always leaving for three weeks to go do a reality show? Brad just doesn't want to talk about the emasculating truth on national television. Tori takes her ring off and leaves it on the bed, Brad is insulted, Tori confusingly thinks that her taking her own ring off means that Brad is "done" with her. Tori interviews that if HE wants this lifestyle, well, he can have it. Tori, you are there, too. Just because you can't see us, doesn't mean we can't see you.