And now it's time for the triumphant return of the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-TV movie on my beloved Lifetime Movie Network called Childhood Sweetheart?, and you know it's awesome because there is a punctuation mark in the title. Anyway, it starred Half Pint Ingalls (of course) as a woman who was kidnapped at the age of ten and presumed dead. So she shows back up as an adult and tries to reconcile with her boyfriend, like, who waits around fifteen years or whatever for their presumed dead ten-year-old girlfriend? Losers, that's who. Her mom is also psyched to see her, but her dad isn't buying it and starts investigating to make sure it's really her. I guess back then they didn't have Maury to do the DNA tests. So then Half Pint starts acting all fishy and steals money from her mother to get a passport, and as a viewer, you don't know if she's legit or not, but her story is that her kidnapper killed his daughter, so Half Pint killed her kidnapper and escaped. Five years ago. And no one (except the dad and the cops) cares what she was doing wandering around for five years. Anyway, as you might expect, the shit hits the fan and Half Pint's dad confronts her, and then suddenly her dad is dead and the viewer is supposed to wonder if she killed him, but I guess she didn't, although now that I think about it, they never really explained it. And then her boyfriend gets suspicious of her and finally has DNA testing done using a lock of hair he had from when Half Pint was a girl, and he also thinks to get the kidnapper's body exhumed, as well as that of the kidnapper's daughter, like, what is this, Days of Our Lives with all the exhumations? Well, it turns out that the body in the grave was the real Half Pint. So Fake Half Pint thinks that she's the kidnapper's daughter (apparently she has some memory loss and doesn't know, although the details were fuzzy) and she's all bummed out, but then she finds out that her DNA doesn't match the kidnapper's and so she's just another victim! And then she fights with her boyfriend, and stabs him, but then he forgives her even though she's totally not his childhood sweetheart and they decide to get married, even though they are complete strangers. And it was awesome.
Episode Report CardKim: A- | 316 USERS: C+
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