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Beware: Lingering Shots Of Naked, Bumpy Sean

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Beware: Lingering Shots Of Naked, Bumpy Sean

And speaking of regional matronly stereotypes, Sean talks on the phone to his own more-Fargo-than-Fargo mom, who "oh, yah, ya know's" him straight on back to Brainerd when he calls to talk to her about the hives. Cue ten billion more gratuitous close-ups of Sean's highly unnecessary nakedness, as Sean's mom counsels him to "eat really light." Wow, is she watching those love handles in real time? Cut to Sean lying in bed, still in those American Flag boxers, still insuring that my lunch is at all times within an inch of my throat, when Syrus enters with his typical "I really care about you. No, wait, that's me I care about" bravado as he tells Sean "If I was you [sic], I'd call somebody." Hey, that sounds like a sound plan, Syrus. How about Genesis's mom? She rarely seems to know just exactly who it is she's talking to anyway. Sean looks sad and lonely. The Cat of Vulnerability lurks around a corner, looking cute and utterly metaphorical.

And now the Squiggly Hip Font of Character Introduction tells us it's time for Kameelah to be on the phone with her mom. She tells her that she's met a guy she really likes, but he doesn't meet all of the requirements on Kameelah's list: "You've seen the list, right?" Kameelah's mom has not. Well, mom, it turns out that #147 on the list is "Has no children," and we already know that Douglas has himself a daughter. And so we cut from this conversation to Kameelah on a date the producers are trying to stretch past the duration of, say, a sneeze. For once. And they have discovered, quite intuitively I might add, that the best way to make said "Doug" appear interesting and topical is by actually telling him what to say. And so he does, at breakfast: "Does that bother you?" Kameelah announces loudly, "You mean the fact that you have a daughter?" Bunim and Murray furrow their brows and nod hopefully. Things are going unboringly! She tells him she thinks it's a little weird, and we cut to a confessional in which Kameelah admits, "I don't think I'm ready to deal with children and children's mothers. That whole situation is totally foreign to me and I think I want to keep it that way." The date is over (I'd say that one was closer in duration to a "tall glass of water," so at least we're moving in a positive direction), and it's All About Kameelah back in the firehouse, where she lies in bed and tells Sean (were they, like, EVER friends?), "I'm excited that he's taking care of his daughter, just because so many men have babies, you know what I mean, and walk out. Example: my dad." Sad and more sad.

Aptly capturing that three-and-a-half-minute cultural moment in which The Spice Girls were in some way synonymous with gay liberation (and sending me diving for amazon.com to see if "Now That's What I Call Music Volume I" is still available on vinyl or 8-track or banging two stones together and grunting or whatever the latest state-of-the-art advance in music technology was back in the day of 1997), we cut to a bar called "The Spot" as "Say You'll be There" rages as the soundtrack. Genesis is in the process of going full-tilt Scary Mommy (tm Pooh) on Adam (who the Squiggly Hip Font of Character Introduction introduces AGAIN...and they say gays are invisible in mainstream society), telling him, "I'm lost without you...you're more beautiful than I am, you're sexier than I am. You're everything I wish I could be." He tries to keep the conversation light (remember, gay = high camp value), asking, "What am I, the wind beneath your wings?" Genesis laughs a non-committal I-don't-get-it giggle, and we cut to her in a confessional admitting that she has reached a level of freakish codependence not seen since her mother's recent love sonnet to her best man Jim Beam in a recent telephone conversation I recommend you scroll up and read all about. And then she's crying in the bar because she sees him talking to someone else, and she admits to us, "I think I'm afraid of losing him, because he's the only reason I've even left my house to come out." She closes her eyes and squirts out a tear, as thoughts of life without Adam crystallize in her mind and visions of Calamine dance in her head.

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