And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Shattered Innocence, and just from the title, you can tell that it's going to be awesome. And it's based on a true story, which is another sign of awesomeness. So this girl lives in Kansas and she's the prettiest girl in her town, but it's Kansas, so that doesn't mean much. And she has, like, eight sisters and lives in a farmhouse with her parents and is really bored. So she decides to move to California with her boyfriend, Super Mullet. And she doesn't want to get a minimum-wage job, so she answers an ad in the paper to become a model. Well, everyone but this girl obviously knows what's going to happen next. It's semi-nude modeling, and then nude modeling, and then Super Mullet dumps her when he finds out about the nudity. And then the big photographer tells her she's too fat, so she starts doing cocaine, and she loses a whopping six pounds, like that would make that big a difference, although maybe it would since she was, like, a hundred pounds to start out with. And then she gets into Playboy and shit, but then the jobs dry up because she's overexposed. And then she goes home to Kansas for Christmas and buys everyone really expensive presents and shows off her nude modeling pictures to her preteen sisters and her mom gets all mad and her teenaged sister says that the whole family is ashamed of her. So then this cheesy manager convinces her to do hardcore porn to be shown in those little booths in porno shops, of course, and she needs the money to pay for drugs, of course, so she does it. And then -- in what seemed to me to be a backward move on the downward spiral -- she moves into regular porn and she wins a porn award and does a lot more coke. So then she gets recognized and realizes that people actually watch porn and might know she's a porn star, so she refuses to do another movie. So she hooks up with this coke dealer, who is actually a pretty nice guy and lets her move to his house in Palm Springs and work in his store, but she keeps doing coke and gets nosebleeds and shit and he tries to cut her off. But then he gets arrested and thrown in jail and she totally bails on him instead of staying in his house and paying his bills and running the store like he asked. So she has to do another porn movie to get some money and she goes back to the house in Palm Springs one last time to pack up her stuff and she finds a gun in the closet. But it's not even like a shotgun or a pistol. It's like an automatic weapon. And somehow she uses it to shoot herself, but she didn't even die instantly, and her parents had to come out from Kansas and take her off life support. So the moral of the story is, don't move away from Kansas. I guess.