Real World
Club Hoppin'

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Paula-In-A-Canoe And Tyler Too

We relearn about the roommates via Tyler's phone call to his friend, during which he ran down all the roommates in bold strokes, ending with "the anorexic girl." Paula freaked out in the taxi. Janelle was scared. Paula hyperventilated on the street. I fix myself a sandwich. I would pour myself a cup of ambition, but I ran out years ago.

Credits. Kids. Key West. Shoulder of future skin cancer patient.

Bridge. Key West. Key West. Water. House. Jew. I mean, Zach. The roommates go to breakfast, leaving Paula crashed out on the couch. Janelle camera-snots that they're all sort of freaked out now, having a roommate who gets so emotional, drinks, and hyperventilates. And only eats snacks.

The kids walk, while the emo-y goodness of Death Cab plays completely inappropriately. This is not "the new year." Well, it's true that "I don't feel any different." You know what would make me feel different? If they shot this bleeding horse and put it out of its misery. Zach asks an old black man sitting on his front porch where they should eat breakfast. The old man tries to lure them into his house to tie them up and turn them into a meal for his insane inbred Florida family-band of cannibalistic freaks, but they refuse and go to some outdoor restaurant instead. Boo. Svet babbles about Paula and how she's deeply, deeply, deeply saddened by something inside. Tyler snots, "I'm deeply saddened by your feigned interest in this stuff." Ooh, double snap with a twist. Svet rolls her eyes. Death Cab is still playing. Tyler incredulously asks if Svet is really hurting about this. Svet's giant Russkie boobs ask Tyler to stop teasing her, and Tyler says he's just joking and not being mean. If he said she was "ugly," that would be him being mean, he says. Wow. They go back and forth for a while. Tyler is funny, but sometimes I get the feeling he thinks he's permanently on some bitchy VH1 talking-head pop-culture show, commenting, rather than actually participating in life. (Sort of like what I'm doing -- yes, smart-ass.) Janelle says she got that vibe from Paula the minute she walked into the house. Janelle camera-boobs that they can't turn a blind eye to "it," and that she doesn't know if it's drugs or Paula's family life or what. Svet busts out like she's some minor-league Kant (she is a minor-league Kant!), wondering if it's something with her dad and that's why she falls in love so quickly. Tyler calls bullshit on her again and the girls all yell that Paula wasn't just drunk last night, and that more was going on. John says they're not going to solve it talking about it. No, but at least poor B/M will have something to actually cobble a show around if you do keep talking about something, anything. John obliges, camera-fratting that Paula's problems clearly go deeper than any of them are able to help her with. Clearly.

Paula. She's at the house alone. She camera-talks, in the confessional, that she acted like a "lunatic" last night. She camera-thins about being out of control and her insecurities coming out and says she hates doing that because she's twenty-four -- the oldest person in the house -- and she now already feels like she has to apologize to everyone. Wait, what? Tyler isn't, like, forty? Wow. A crap song plays as Paula rows out in a little kayak to drown herself, but she doesn't succeed, and next we see her floating in the pool as the others come home. (The other kids, I mean. Not The Others, although that would be fucking awesome!)

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Real World

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