Previously on The Real World: And we're back to the previously on scenes that were not, in fact, previously on. Arissa says that Trishelle is going to come home at 2 AM in eat everything that isn't nailed down. In an interview, Trishelle says that she doesn't care if the girls joke around because she has strange eating habits. Trishelle jokingly flips off Arissa (and seriously, that's the most personality we've seen out of Trishelle this season). Arissa says that Trishelle eats "mustard, with tuna on the side." The only thing that bugs me about this is that we've never heard one word about Trishelle's strange eating habits before. We've heard that she's insecure, and has daddy issues, and all of her myriad problems, but never the eating thing. Would it have killed them to throw in a mention of it somewhere along the line so that this development didn't just pop out of thin air? Machela (who is identified as the winner of the "Ghetto Fabulous Bikini Contest," and if I'd known that, I would have made a lot more fun of her last week) and Alton get it on in the tub. Irulan says that she thinks Alton is beautiful, but that his actions turn her off. Alton yells at Melissa, his ex-girlfriend, for lying to him about exactly how she cheated on him, and then he cries and cries. I only wish I were joking.
A homeless man sorts through some cans in front of a trashy motel. Did we somehow stumble onto the set of the video for "Another Day in Paradise"? Cut to the kids staying at the Palms. I think some snarky editor was trying to say, "Can you believe these kids complain so much when they get to stay for free in this beautiful hotel?" If so, rock on, snarky editor. Alton vows to Frank that he will never be "a crybaby over Melissa again." In an interview, Alton says that he doesn't want to get back at Melissa, and that he's going to move on. Frank, as usual, overemphasizes every third word in his sentences, which annoys me. He's like, "If anyone is justified in being emotional, it's that situation, all right?" Oh, and also, [sic]. In an interview, Frank says, "I think Alton is acting like a red-blooded human being and is hurt by it." Alton says that his mother taught him to treat women like princesses, and he always has. Maybe that's his problem. Maybe he should treat women like people. Alton says, "I don't want to have an emotional involvement with anything having to do with a girl because it would be overly emotional." Really? Well, I don't want to make too much fun of him for that sentence because it would be making fun. What? Exactly. In an interview, Alton says that he gets connected with women quickly. Alton admits to Frank that he is "very, very, very, very, very Irulan." So he thinks that he is Irulan? Is he even speaking English at this point? Did he take locution lessons from Big Brother 2's Monica? Because it is on. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan is his "ideal girl" and his "dream girl." Oh, except for the fact that she has a boyfriend. Also, I thought he wasn't going to treat women like princesses anymore, and here he is putting Irulan up on a pedestal already. Didn't courtly love go out in the fourteenth century or so?
Alton takes a shower while Brynn and Trishelle do their hair in the bathroom. Frank, Steven, and Irulan are all around the computer. Alton walks out of the shower completely naked, and the girls screech and scream. Alton acts like he doesn't know what the big deal is. Irulan peeks at him around the corner. In an interview, Irulan says, "I am three thousand miles away from my boyfriend. I am lonely. I am horny. I am used to sex on a regular basis, and his body is on point." I think they need to start putting saltpeter into the roommates' food. Of course, as we will find out in a bit, that wouldn't help Trishelle. But seriously. It's called masturbation, Irulan. Look into it. People who also might want to take that advice include Trishelle, Steven, Alton, Arissa, Brynn, and Frank. In fact, I kind of wish their job this season was at a sex shop, so they could all test out the merchandise. In a confessional, Trishelle says that Alton's penis "looked like a third leg." Then Alton slips her a fifty. Irulan wonders why Alton had to show her "his Jermaine." Well, that's a new one. What would she call his balls, Tito and Randy? Irulan and Arissa think that Alton is having "a personality flip-flop." In an interview, Steven sleazes that "Irulan was the most captivated by [Alton's] wood." Steven and Frank try to pretend they're not jealous as they giggle that the girls all complained that Alton was running around naked and then flocked over to him. The girls talk about Alton's "little brown pee-pee." "Pee-pee"? Then again, given the maturity level of these roommates, why am I surprised? Arissa says that it was hardly little, and Trishelle agrees. Arissa thinks that she is "too petite for that boy." Sex music plays as Alton rubs lotion onto his body. Cut to Irulan drying her hair. Cut to Alton walking around naked. Cut to Irulan looking shocked and surprised.