Real World
Don't Ever Call Melissa a Bitch! EVER!

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Don't Ever Call Melissa a Bitch! EVER!

Melissa wanders around the house with an envelope and some slides asking various roomies, "Is this yours? Is this yours?" It's slides from the movie The Birdcage, the oh-so-shitty remake of La Cage Aux Folles. Mike says via voice-over that he "doesn't agree with" what Melissa is doing, which is opening an unmarked, unsealed envelope, examining the contents, and asking everyone to whom the contents belong. A bit nosy, I'd say. Not exactly worth making a federal case over either, I think. But let's wait and see. Some jarring ska horns play and the scene segues into Dan arriving home and being told what happened with his Birdcage slides. "I'm livid," he says. In a confessional, he holds the slides up and says, "These slides are your tombstone, Melissa. The audacity." So, he freaked, we get it. Those masters of subtlety over at B-M start blasting the Stray Cats "Rock this Town" super loud and show Dan running around the house with a Nerf bat pretending to go off on Melissa, as Sarah and Mike laugh and egg him on. Mike actually says, "Make her cry, Dan." Oh, WHATEVER! ["Mike's still on this show? He's the Jon Brennan of Miami." -- Wing Chun]

The patented Tense Guitars play as Melissa walks in the door. As she stands by the front door, we see -- in a neat shot over her shoulder -- down a long corridor to the computer, where Dan has parked himself like a vulture awaiting her return. There's a pause. Melissa knows something's up. Dan blurts, "I have a major bone to pick with you." Hee hee, "major bone." Melissa asks why and Dan stomps up the circular staircase to get the slides. Just as quickly he stomps back and holds the slides an inch in front of her face and demands, "Are these yours? Do you know what these are?" Melissa says weakly that yeah, she does, it's two slides of The Birdcage, and she left them right over there. Dan fumes on: "Was it yours to open up? Was it yours? Was it yours, you stupid bitch?!" Whoa! Right now I'd like to point out that it wasn't until the Real World Reunion (which Kim has lovingly recapped for you) that it came out that Dan's mom found out he's gay by opening and reading a letter of his. That is, of course, a horrible invasion of privacy and violation of trust. BUT! I don't think Melissa earned this abuse AT ALL. It's totally lame of Dan to ambush her like that when she was just being nosy. Anyway, the camera zooms right in on her shocked and hurt-looking face. God, I hate this fucking show sometimes. It's just cruel! Melissa manages, "Excuse me?" Dan mimics her (earning him a virtual slap in the face from me) and yells something to the effect of, "Those slides could have cost me my JOB!" Oh, WHATEVER. Melissa gets her spine back and snaps, "FYI, it was on the floor, your valuable one-hundred-dollar slides! It was on the FLOOR!" Hee hee, hundred-dollar slides. Dan keeps yelling, "Was it yours!" Melissa says, "I had to see what was in it!" She's just nosy, that's all. "If it has said 'Dan' I wouldn't have opened it!" "Yes you would have!" Melissa grows a ten foot-long spine and screams, "Don't EVER call me a bitch! EVER! You fucking flamer. EVER!" Then she shoves past him and stomps on up the stairs. The closed-captioning says "[loud footsteps, door slamming]," and we're out.

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Real World




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