Real World
Jamie is King Choad

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Jamie is King Choad

Melissa enters the house clutching her head and squealing because apparently she got her hair cut short. It was pretty short before, so a big whatever and I'll move on.

Julie, Melissa and Kelley get their makeup done. White powdered faces, scary lips and false eyelashes. Melissa has a black wig, Julie a blonde one and Kelley is pretty in a red wig. Look, I don't even know where to start with the "performance." The guy Anthony doesn't seem to be wearing any drag, so I'm not sure where that label came from. And Melissa, Julie and Kelley are dressed in Chinese-style pajamas with big fans, and on stage they bow and simper. I'm feeling this whole performance is not in the best of taste but I'm not Asian so I'm just going to leave it. Danny, Matt and Peter are in the audience and Peter is not cute at all. He also looks about thirty-seven years old. Melissa talks about her difficulty in acting submissive on stage and Julie says this is all beautiful art and not disgusting. Thanks for that, Julie. Tacky, yes, possibly racist, yes, but not disgusting. After the performance, Matt and Julie hug and Matt has the most disturbing gaping smile on his face. Danny and Kelley gossip about how Jamie was seen making out with a girl on the street and in the bathroom of the club. Jamie tucks his non-existent hair behind his ears again. Kelley, not looking pretty anymore and actually closely resembling Wynnona Judd, tells the gang that Peter will be giving her a ride home. They walk arm in arm and Kelley's voice-over talks about how much she likes Peter and how great he is.

The next morning Julie and Danny discuss the fact that Kelley didn't return to the house the night before. Danny calls Kelley a "little hoochie mama," and is wearing the damn gray sweater as usual. Kelley calls to let the house know she's doing okay and talks to Melissa. Later Kelley arrives at the house and she and Melissa discuss how Peter is too good to be true. Kelley notes that he has a cute house with a clean bathroom and Melissa laughs that something has to be wrong with him. In an interview Kelley admits that the catch with Peter is that he has a girlfriend. Well, that's a big one Kelley, but hey, don't let it stand in way of getting what you want. Bitch. Apparently the girlfriend is long distance so that makes it okay in Kelley's Little Book of Stealing Boyfriends.

In the kitchen Kelley and Melissa tease Jamie about his make-out sessions of the night before. Jamie puts on his headphones and sings a little song about how he's not listening to them. I wish I could afford myself the same luxury. In an interview, Jamie re-states what we just saw: Melissa and Kelley give him a hard time about other women. We then see the strangest clip: Jamie is wearing the same shirt and sunglasses on his head as before, but he's lost the earphones and gained a bunch of beads. Kelley is wearing a different outfit but Melissa (if she's even really there) is wearing the same thing as before. Kelley grills Jamie as to whether he'd kiss someone who lives in the house. He weasels around and does say he'd be open to a relationship with depth but that he's never had that in the past because he didn't want it. You know, I could make a million jokes here about anvils and sledgehammers and having the University of Arizona marching band spell out "WE GOT IT" while playing "Bear Down, Arizona" on my front lawn, but my head hurts too much so I'll just let you fill in the blanks yourselves. Please, please let this be over soon. Suddenly Julie is in the kitchen, too. She asks Kelley if she had sex with Peter and Kelley gets all offended and wants to know if Julie thinks she's a whore. Well, Kelley, she didn't ask you if you took money for it, so I guess not. Julie seems like she's going to ask if Kelley will sleep with Peter but instead she leaves the kitchen. Kelley gives an interview saying she cut Julie slack for the question, but I think she's a hypocrite and wouldn't even have been offended if Jamie or Melissa had asked her instead of Julie. We then see Kelley telling Julie it was a stupid question and Julie semi-apologizing for asking it the way she did.

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