Real World
Jason's Relationship Goes Timber

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Jason's Relationship Goes Timber

After an approximately fifty-hour montage of the two of them staring aimlessly at what must be an utterly fascinating laundromat ceiling (um, Bumin? Murray? Nah, don't wake 'em), Jason gets all deep with the inventive, "Have you ever loved anyone?" Elka willfully attempts to answer the question, "If love is thinking about someone all the time..." before Jason gives new meaning to the words "rhetorical" and "why did you even bother to show up?" with his continuing congressional filibuster, "Like let them in, to the softest part of you, man? That could...they could hurt you? It's the scariest damn thing that I've ever had in my whole life." End this tirade. END!!! Or not: "I don't obsess, at all. I think and I go. 'ow!' Like, I was walking over here and I was like, 'damn! Ow! That hurts!' Y'know?" No, sir. I do not know. I think he means that he misses his girlfriend. Oops. Looks like someone forgot to separate his whites from his raging, self-obsessed idiocy again. I can't believe we're still in the freakin' laundromat.

Cut to Jason alone in a coffee shop at a completely different stage of facial-hair development than in the scene just previous, journalling the day away. We learn in voice-over the history of Jason's relationship with his girlfriend, an area of knowledge for which we had all been thirsting, no doubt: "My girlfriend's name is Timber. She's an incredible girl. It was hard to say goodbye to her, but I was really ready to leave. And I really needed to do something on my own without her around. I just kind of set that part of my life over here and looked toward Boston and started, like, trying to take all of that in." Eh? Yeah, um, can we just go back to watching the laundry spin? Any time, really. Ah, there it is now.

For no other reason than to blow the memory of the previous scenes out of my mind with a sensory assault akin to when the State department blasts excessively loud music in an attempt to drive exiled Middle Eastern dictators out of isolation, a blasting rendition of the Chili Pepper's "Roller Coaster of Love" accompanies Syrus (hey, stranger. How you been?), Jason, and Sean bumbling through an all-women's step class while Montana keeps up admirably. Montana is wearing a tank top with a corporate logo of some kind across it that the producers have decided to blur out (it's a Nike swish, okay? I'll try not to let its presence emblazoned across Montana's chest influence me into purchasing this product I otherwise would never have heard of), and I muse for a moment that the surprising flatness of her stomach almost diverts my attention away from her chronically problematic bangs. ["I don't think that's Montana; I think it's just some other chick with bad red hair. Seriously, Montana has shoulders like a linebacker, and that chick doesn't." -- Wing Chun] Almost. Meanwhile, the boys continue floundering around in the back, much to the continuing amusement of not me.

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Real World

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