Real World
Jason's Relationship Goes Timber

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Jason's Relationship Goes Timber

[fin]

[Raucous applause and the throwing of hotel keys]

Over in the firehouse (where Jason is apparently both on his way to the airport and in the bathroom sitting silently though this conversation, even further indicating just how two-faced he is), Sean continues to grill his "friend" Syrus on the matter of race relations in America, telling him that he doesn't agree with affirmative action. Then they talk about race a bit more. Gee, do you think Sean has noticed that Syrus is black?

Back at the airport. Jason frets that "it's going to be different" when he sees Timber, but tells us in a confessional, "If we can just be honest with one another, let each other know where we're coming from, then it'll be cool." Timber, an average weight, average size, average beauty girl -- a fake-blonde more generic than Pathmark brand diet cola -- saunters out of the gate. Jason feigns frightfully happy to see her. Silent cab montage of her attempting to establish any amount of physical intimacy with him, and him looking out the window helplessly like she's a old man who has just fallen asleep next to him on a bus. The car pulls up at the firehouse, and they take exactly no time to introduce themselves to the other members of the house, seeing as he "wanted to have sex with her...immediately." And so they shut their roommates out and hole up in the bathroom for maximum, nookie-making potential, while shower caddies come crashing to the floor and mysterious naughty bits begin slamming against the wall. While the lot of them just sit there, rather than running like gangbusters to their local drugs and sundries retailer to begin a rigorous price comparison for the latest developments in hygienic flip-flop footwear. I would never walk in there again. I mean, in the shower? Come on. And also a big "come on" to the woeful editing team of this episode, who saw fit to intercut unsubtly phallic shots of fast-gushing waterfalls and uniformed men in a Boston parade -- no, really -- shooting off guns. It reminds me of the scene in The Simpsons where Marge and Homer send the kids off so they can make some serious whoopee, and it's followed by shots of a train entering a tunnel and a meat-processing plant spitting out rolled sausage and then Bart and Lisa are revealed to be watching those shots from inside of a movie theater airing a "stock footage film fest." Get it? It's making fun of the exact, contrived editing style we're seeing unironically in action right now.

Over in the children's center, Jason wails that he's worried about his relationship to anyone who will listen, including a few innocent youngsters passing by just in time to hear the sentiment, "Where's Timber? She's recovering" and "When you haven't seen your lover for a month, you've got to get used to them again, y'know?" Have I incredulously screamed "oh, come on" yet? Oh, twice, you say? Yeah, well. Back in the firehouse, Timber is actually in the process of combing the phone bill, looking for who else Jason has called besides her since he's been in Boston. Jason voice-overs that he hates jealousy because "it makes you completely irrational." Yes, poor Timber, acting out solely on the basis that you've just shared with a national audience that you have never been faithful to any (note the all-encompassing nature of the word "any") of your girlfriends, ever (note the all-encompassing nature of... oh, never mind). And while I will admit that Timber seems to have just flown in from a little south of sanity, I will say that I can rationalize every one of her psychotic actions (until the chalk incident, but let's just pretend that we don't know anything about that yet, okay?) because of how badly she wants to please him. It's pathetic and sad, yes. But it's still all his fault, because he's been on my TV longer and the animosity has therefore expanded exponentially . Cut to them in a bar, where Timber begins to cry because she feels she's being mistreated. Jason storms out and she follows, and he calls her at least four words worthy of a bleeping. Ah, young love.

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